Hey,
don't blame me, I just thought they were funny!!!
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk
is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that the bartender opens the door, looks in and says........."You
idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!!!"
@
Downloads and links
Think you can tell the difference between a Chick and a Chick with
a rod? Download the file and Take the test!
PROFESSIONS
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their
professions.
The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE.. you know...Young, Urban, Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK.. you know, Double Income, No Kids."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies.... "I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.
WATCH OUT FOR THESE VIRUSES!!!
LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails
everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data but forgets where it's stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after one byte.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS: Your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but it'll
be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards through Windows.
VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need
of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume
andaway he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain
and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought
she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her
husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff
that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume
away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked
what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know
I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked,"Did
you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one
dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went
into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe
what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
90 Things NOT To Say During Sex
-
But everybody looks funny naked!
-
You woke me up for that?
-
Did I mention the video camera?
-
Do you smell something burning?
-
(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
-
Try breathing through your nose.
-
A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
-
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
-
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
-
But whipped cream makes me break out.
-
Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
-
Can you please pass me the remote control?
-
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
-
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
-
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
-
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
-
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
-
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
-
(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
-
Do you get any premium movie channels?
-
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
-
(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned
this couch!
-
Got any penicillin?
-
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
-
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
-
I want a baby!
-
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
-
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
-
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
-
I think you have it on backwards.
-
When is this supposed to feel good?
-
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
-
Did I remember to take my pill?
-
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
-
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
-
That leak better be from the waterbed!
-
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
-
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
-
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
-
No, really... I do this part better myself!
-
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
-
This would be more fun with a few more people..
-
You're almost as good as my ex!
-
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
potatoes?
-
You look younger than you feel.
-
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
-
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
-
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
-
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
-
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
-
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
-
What tampon?
-
Have you ever considered liposuction?
-
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
-
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
-
I have a confession...
-
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
-
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
-
Is that a hanging sculpture?
-
You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
-
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
-
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
-
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
-
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
-
Does this count as a date?
-
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
-
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
-
I think biting is romantic- don't you?
-
Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
-
When would you like to meet my parents?
-
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
-
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
-
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
-
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
-
(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
-
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
light?
-
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
-
Sorry but I don't do toes!
-
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
-
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
-
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
-
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
-
So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
-
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
-
Is this a sin too?
-
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
-
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
-
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
-
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
-
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Oops, did I say that?
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for
prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring
someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary
from couple to couple and asked for their significant other?s name and
work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they
are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married, or what, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only
please, Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had
sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man
Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly).
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said
that if it there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.
DJ: This sounds good Brian, where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying
with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred
times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold,
get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we?
(touch tones*ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian
for a couple of hours now.
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give away any answers or you lose soooooooo do you know the rules
of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian.
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you
answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando,
Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea
World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara?
SARA! GET IT? The Orlando Magic, they are on strike, Sara, helloooooo,
anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian,.. this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think.
(sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you
do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just, just that my mom is vacationing with us and
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord. I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
(long pause)
DJ: We will be right back.
(advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and
these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,
Florida.
Bug Spray
A salesman was traveling through the countryside selling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug
spray is so good you will never be bitten. I guarantee it!"
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll
tie you up out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole
case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him firmly
to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds with not a
single bite on him. Yet,he was a total wreck. Pale, ghastly, haggard
and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. He said, "Now, you don't have one bite on
you, but you look terrible. What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked..."Damn,
mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?"
Ventriloquism
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village
and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll
have a little fun.......
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a fucking liar"
And Who Says Romance Is Dead???
The black guy noticed that the white guy always came to work with a
smile on his face. He asked him one day, "Man, how come you always come
to work with a smile on your face every day?"
The white guy replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every
morning before work."
Amazed the black guy asks him how he gets his wife to make love to
him every morning.
"That's easy," the white guy said. "I just tell her the same poem
when I wake up...Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue, I just love waking
up and making love to you!"
Well, determined the black guy decides to take his friends advice.
The next day the black guy shows up to work just all beat to hell, black
eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.
The white guy says, "Man, what happened to you!"
The black guy says "I don't know, I went home and tried your advice."
"Well, what poem did you tell your wife?" the white guy asked. The
black guy replied,
"Nappy head, Nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I could roll your fat
ass over, I'd do you like a dog!
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
-
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
-
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
-
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
-
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
-
Makeup and hair supplies are not to be used while driving.
-
Sunday = Sports.
-
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
-
Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right
to complain about having their boobs stared at.
-
You have too many shoes.
-
Crying is blackmail.
-
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
-
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
-
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
-
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
-
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
-
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
-
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
-
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
-
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
-
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women,how can we know how
pretty you are?
-
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
-
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done-not both.
-
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
-
You have enough clothes.
-
Nothing says "I love you" like sex. (except letting me buy a new
truck)
Gilligan's Island???
There is a ship that goes out to sea and sinks. Six people (1 woman
and 5 men) survive and use a raft to float to a deserted island. After
spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely,
that is, sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement:
Each man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has
her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and
so on and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree
to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex
every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with
a different man each week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is is still pretty bad,
the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad,
really bad, the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad,
Soooooo...on the sixth week... THEY BURY HER.
SonofaBitch!
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks
around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman
notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple
of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever
fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him
and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to
get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman (thinking quickly): I'm sorry father, but that's what this
fish is called - a sonofabitch!
Priest: Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know.
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots
the bishop.
Priest: Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!
Bishop: Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God.
Priest: No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called,
and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!
Bishop: Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could
have it for dinner.
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother
Superior at the convent.
Bishop: Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner
tonight?
Mother Superior: My lord, what language!
Bishop: No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.
Mother Superior: Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight.
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they
all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: I caught the sonofabitch!
Bishop: And I cleaned the sonofabitch!
Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, then takes
off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you
fuckers are alright."
@
The Lottery
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The husband says, "Wow!
That's great!
Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."
A Man's Request...
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly
from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass
and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over
the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You
will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded,
"Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more
than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and
you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live
20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me
no than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live
for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years
is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused,
then the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding
his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then,
in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to
amuse his grandchildren.
It may seem funny from the outside...
Dear Microsoft:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend Version 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up
a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon
was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Golfday 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer
run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me?
-------------- Response ----------------
Dear Sir-
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0
to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT"
program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program
from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with
more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings
- Alimony / Child Support.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having
Wife 1.0 installed I also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility
for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action
will be to push the Apologize button and then the Reset button as soon
as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame
for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Wife 2.0
plus Ex-Wife 1.0 maintenance will most likely cause System to permanently
crash.
MicroSoft
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President
Clinton's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in
my mouth, and I can't stomach it any more. I feel as if I am getting
the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in
my face.
"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No
one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher,
that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight
this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will
not be stained by it.
Thank you.
Monica Lewinsky
General state of things...
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the
doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and
then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'
@
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