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-Never be afraid to try something new,,,,,,,,,,,Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
I am having an out of money experience.
Practice safe eating--always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.
A gentleman is one who knows how to play the accordion . . . and doesn't.
"Never do anything when you are in a temper, for you will do everything wrong." ----------------
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute...
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
FACT OR FALSE:
Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch' Oops All Berries" will cause your stools to come out green. (FACT!)
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.(FACT!)
Pigeons are the result of crossbreeding between a seagull and a dove. (FALSE)
About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME. (FACT! They enter while you sleep!)
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. (FACT!)
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie". (FACT!)
Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem. (FACT!)
If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead. (FACT!)
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. (FACT!)
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash. (FACT!) [ditto with the President and Vice President]
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. (FACT!)
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. (FACT! They are reused in vein transplant surgery)
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. (FACT! They were seventh cousins)
If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be green. (FACT!)
---------------------- PLAYINGS ON SAYINGS (or is it Slayings of Sayings?):
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
6. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
And the worst of the bunch:
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving - Are you ready for this? That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
--------------------- Subject: Bumper stickers
A few I had not seen before:
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.
Things To Remember by George Carlin 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" (and lawyers too, for that matter?) 12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 23. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 27. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening. 31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 33. Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 40. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? ---------------------------------------------------------------- RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......But he pulled through." I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." ------------------- Bumper Stickers we'd like to See: He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak -------------- What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. A blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid." A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin ------ It won't work and you can't fire it. I'm so depressed... I went to the doctor today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. ------------- THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK....... BUT CAN'T! I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? Do I look like a people person? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? How do I set a laser printer to stun? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck. ------------------ Subject: Computer Viruses Beware of....... THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did) THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb) THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus.... (Deletes all old files) THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted) THE PROZAC virus.... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) .....and last but not least... THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows) ------------
---------------------
Subject: Bumper stickers
A few I had not seen before:
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC
PARTICLES.
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.
Here's some funny stuff to Improve Your Vocabulary
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
----------------------
Things To Remember by George Carlin
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
(and lawyers too, for that matter?)
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
40. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Thanks for visiting me. If you have any comments or suggestions you can write me a note right now or send me email later at jmackin@gol.com. |
