|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.
Next the Lord called the blackbird and gave him 20 years. The crow thought about it and said, "I only need 10 years." Man said to him, "Give them to me--I sure want them!" The blackbird said "Yes."
The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The lion too, wanted only 10. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion.
Then came the donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare 10 years, and he got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of crowing about it, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.
THE GORILLA
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a redneck staff member, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. Believe it or not, Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks." ----------------
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."
****************************************************
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z23-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny beemer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
The friendship between the two animals was cemented best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thingie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him out, saving his life.
Moral: When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. -----------------------
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asked. "Ribbit. 3 wood." the guys takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok, where to next?" The frog reply "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guys says, "Ok, frog, now what?" The frog says "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you, You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With the kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
--So, did the judge believe him or not? The Origin of Chapstick The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. "Howdy, stranger..." "Howdy, Sheriff..." The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on, Mister..." "Sheriff?" "Did I just see what I think I just saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..." "And that cures them?" "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em. ------------ Modern-day fable THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share" Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood. ---------------------------------------------------- A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..." ------------------ One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning to starve. He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat it. Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump not far from him, so he picked up a stone to toss at it--hoping the bird would be frightened and fly away without the fish. But, weak as he was, his aim was off and he hit the poor bird square on the head, and killing it. "Well," he thought to himself, "no sense letting it go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could save my life if I eat it." So, he built himself a little fire--using a couple of stones- -and cooked the eagle to eat. While it was cooking a ranger stumbled upon the man, and when he saw what he was up to, he immediately arrested him--because as you know, that is quite illegal! The man told the ranger what had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the situation to a judge. So, the day of his trial he told the judge, "Please your Honor, it was a life or death situation! I was lost and starving, and I didn't mean to harm the bird--I only wanted the fish! And when I accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn't see any reason to let it go to waste!" The judge listened to the man's story and deemed him, "Not guilty, on the grounds of extenuating circumstances." The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his fairness. Then, the judge leaned over and quietly asked the man, "Just between you and me, what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like anyway??" The man comtemplated this for a moment and then spoke, "Well, it's kind of hard to explain... but, I would say somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl." --------------- Scared Straight Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" --------------------- A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back." ------------------ A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around." ----------------- Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him." The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." ----------- A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing." Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went. Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?" "Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!" ---------- Monkey Joke A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all the place.The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table , grabs the cue ball sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender scream at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry, I'll pay for everything." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted."Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy."He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!" ----------------- Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A1. Anything you like, he still won't come to you A2. Cigarette - as you could take him for a drag ----------------------- Walk the Dog Little Johnny asked his mom if he could take their dog for a walk. The mother said, "Honey, I don't think that is such a good idea because the dog is in heat". Little Johnny wanted to know what that meant. The mom wanted to avoid the subject so she told him to go ask his daddy if he could take the dog for a walk. Little Johnny found his dad in the garage and asked him about taking the dog for a walk. He said "That is probably not a good idea because the dog is in heat". So, he asked his dad what that meant. The father really didn't want to explain so he got some gasoline and smeared it all over the dog's hindquarters and tail. He said "There, now it should be okay for you to take the dog for a walk". About an hour later, Little Johnny returned home but he didn't have the dog with him. When his father asked where their dog was, Little Johnny replied, "Oh, I guess she ran out of gas but don't worry, there's another dog pushing her home! ------------------- After coming home one day on Air Force 1, President Clinton was holding two pigs. While walking down the stairs one of his service men says, "Nice pigs, sir." Clinton then says, 'These aren't pigs; these are Arkansas razorbacks. I got 'em for Chelsea and my wife." The service man then says, "Well you got a great trade, sir." ------------------- Ugly A lady was walking down the street to work, and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, as you can imagine, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "WOW lady, you are still really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird if the manager didn't take care of this problem. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She stopped and said, "Yes?" The bird paused, then said, "You know." --------------- Subject: Buying a horse (or horth) This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over. The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth", the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth, Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. "OK, finally, can I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I see her run?" ------------------- I like dogs. I do. But they're not that bright, really. Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!" -- Jerry Seinfeld
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asked. "Ribbit. 3 wood." the guys takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok, where to next?" The frog reply "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guys says, "Ok, frog, now what?" The frog says "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you, You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With the kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
--So, did the judge believe him or not? -----------------
I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a license for Sex". He said he would like to have one too. I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old". He said I must have been quite a kid.
Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food. I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part. But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio. I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing here. I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.
One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night. I went around the neighbourhood looking for him. A cop came and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up this Friday...
|
Thanks for visiting me. If you have any comments or suggestions you can write me a note right now or send me email later at jmackin@gol.com. |
