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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
--------------
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level -- stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!"
The young man got his wish.
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
-------------------
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time.
Happy now?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party--the days are so short this time of year--or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap--dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 12
RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it
or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them
scream right now!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. --------------------------------- -------------------- When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football. When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls. -------------- Three beggars are begging in New York City. The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten bucks after one day. The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ. The third one wrote "ebeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free Hardware and professional consulting while Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar. Cisco just announced that virtually all ebeg traffic runs over their equipment. ------------ Differences Between You and Your Boss When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked. --------------- ------------------- The Ideal Calendar
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 16 15 14 12 11 10 9 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 32 30 28 27 26 25 24 39 38 37 36 35 34 331. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd. 2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays. 3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs. 5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. 6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic. -------------- --------------- The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . " ------------------
This one is a long one but it is kind of funny!!
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Whoopee-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.
"Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!"
Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: "I can't fly, you idiot......I'm a frog, not a canary!"
Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."
So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.
On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor.
After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.
Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't let nay-sayers get in my way."
So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).
Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs.
And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD)
On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy: stalling-- he asked for a delay in the project "until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable."
But Clarence was ready for him: he produced a timeline and pointed to the third milestone and asked, "You don't want to slip the schedule do you?"
Now this is not to say that Felix wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts.
But try as he might, he couldn't fly.
By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy.... he simply looked at Clarence and said: "You know you're killing me, don't you?"
Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him.
With that, Felix said quietly: "Shut up and open the window," and he leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building.
And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.
Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement.... nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to "Fall smarter, not harder."
The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong.
After much thought, Clarence smiled and said:
"Next time...... I'm getting a smarter frog!"
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Thanks for visiting me. If you have any comments or suggestions you can write me a note right now or send me email later at jmackin@gol.com. |
