Children jokes

Proverbs

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from." ------------------ Things kids think: Half a proverb... A first grade teacher collected well known Proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insights may surprise you. Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader Strike while the .........................Bug is close It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of..........Termites You can lead a horse to water but.........how? Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty No news is................................impossible A miss is as good as a....................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new............math If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning Love all, trust...........................me The pen is mightier than the.............pigs An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax Where there's smoke there's...............pollution Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents A penny saved is..........................not much Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way --------------- LITTLE JOHNNY XIX A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink." A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says, "Sorry,Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants!" -- ----------: LITTLE JOHNNY XIX A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink." A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says, "Sorry,Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants!" -- ------------ LITTLE JOHNNY XXI The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." -------------- Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. Parent: What's that? Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. ------------------- A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class swot, jumps up and says, "Last year I got the measles and mum said it was very contagious." Then Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, jumps up and says, "My grandma says there's a flu going around and it's contagious." Finally, little Johnny jumps up and shouts, "Our next door neighbour's painting his house with a two-inch brush and my dad says it will take the cuntagious." --------------------- Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly. 2nd Child: Why are you crying? 1st Child: I came here for blood test. 2nd Child: So? Are you afraid? 1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger. At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished. 1st Child: Why are you crying now? 2nd Child: I've come for my urine test! ------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY XXI The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." -------------- Subject: This could only happen to a man..... (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father. The names have been changed to protect the dignity of the father...) As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'" ------------------- ----------------------------- A Great Cup of Tea Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated? I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea. Why, "you're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea." "Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter." "You what?" And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

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