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A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been
used."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
_____________________________________________________________________
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work... The first one said"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon, "when you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically arranged."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "you are all wrong!! Lawyers are the easiest... They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Doctor Stories:
Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and
began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
*************************************
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
**************************************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
*************************************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
****************************************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
*****************************************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive."
*****************************************
And of course, the best is saved for last....
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
**********************************************
........Pharmacist
A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist. She asked: "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," He answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
---------------------------
"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and
you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."
"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so
miserable."
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he
said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing
suit on and run around the block three or four times."
"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"
"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
----
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple Mohawk hair style, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wore strange clothing. It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
------------------------
On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first aid."
She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."
---------------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance backed up suddenly.
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.
"How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards." -------------------------
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver spotted a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so At the last minute he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain that he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a
lawyer?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.
The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining." The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?" The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first
case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed
it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The
defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness.
"You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after
breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to
whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the
judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer
the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her
house after breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was
home."
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that
you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not
truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case:
It's such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.
A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing
around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men
observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their
owners.
The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The
engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.
The lawyer's dog was screwing all the rest.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions
gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to
escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers-we had $100 when we broke in!"
Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.
A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor
asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said.
"We have enough consultants," the contractor said.
"I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be
an advisor."
"We have enough advisors," the contractor said.
By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not
overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk."
"Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks.
With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the
door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down,
double-dealing SOB anyhow."
"You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest
profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib
to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to
have constructed the Garden of Eden."
"I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before
the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who
but lawyers could have created that?"
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister
asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the
lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said
instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase
your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will
respect you;
you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls
and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been
used."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work... The first one said"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon, "when you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically arranged."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "you are all wrong!! Lawyers are the easiest... They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of
patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them
open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor
said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open,
everything is orderly and numbered."
"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest
are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their
mouth and those are interchangeable."
She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600. She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That's fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.
"What?" she replied incredulously. "If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer's brain cost $10,000?" "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain?" the doctor replied. Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-rayed instead."Oh, no!" cried the lab technician. "Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man. "It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month."
He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked,"What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."
A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked
by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living. The
witness replied that he was a lawyer.
"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my
pocket."
"Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more
law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."
A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, "When I address
the jury, I'll plead for clemency."
"Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own lawyer."
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I
love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed
into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totalled. "My BMW! my
BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "sir, sir, you're bleeding "my god,
your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed "my Rolex! my Rolex!"
A lawyer's job is secure-who would build a robot to do nothing?
After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"
The other day a lawyer remarked to a friend, "I just finished a puzzle and it only took me five months."
"Five months?" her friend asked. "That seems like an awfully long time to do a puzzle."
"Not at all," she explained. "The box says 6 to 12 years."
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.
When asked "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
"Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts
of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were
clearly and unmistakably innocent."
--Oscar Wilde
"When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice."
--Lin Yutang
"I was never ruined but twice-once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I
gained one."
--Voltaire
"Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a
sausage."
--Ambrose Bierce
"I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character."
--Woodrow Wilson
"A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs."
--Anonymous
What do you have when you've got 5 lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
What is sad about a bus full of lawyers going off a cliff?
Two seats in the back are empty.
A father comes home from work and sees his son at the computer really concentrating. The father asks the son what he is doing. The son replies "I am trying to decide whether to conquer the Universe by nuclear war or conventional arms. The father suggests that the son use the method that results in the lesser loss of life. The son says "That's what I am doing." The father looks over his son's shoulder and asks the son why he is counting the law students as only .2 persons each, and the son replies, "Their value doesn't go to zero until after they pass the bar exam."
Read a favorite child's tale, The Three Little Pigs as adapted by a Lawyer.
A man walks up to a lawyer and says "How much do you charge?" The lawyer replies, "$100 for 3 questions." The man says, "That's quite a bit of money don't you think?" The lawyer says, "It sure is. What's your third question?"
The Three Pigs as adapted by a Lawyer
There once were three brother pigs: Chris, Thomas, and Joe. After they graduated from High School, each pig sibling went off to college. Chris became an mechanical engineer, Thomas studied chemistry, while Joe was a Liberal Arts major and spent most of his time drinking beer.
After graduation, Chris went to work for a big engineering firm while Thomas went to work for a biomechanical research institute. Joe, with his liberal arts degree, couldn't get a job so he went to graduate school. But not just any graduate school. Joe went to law school and became a Lawyer.
During the three years that Joe spent in Law School, primarily drinking beer, his brothers were working away. Once Joe graduated from law school he moved back to Porkville where his two brothers lived. As soon as Joe got to Porkville, his two brothers invited him over and gave him some disturbing news. It seemed that Porkville was being terrorized by a huge Wolf. This Wolf would come to resident's homes at all hours and demand money from them or else he would beat the resident up. Chris and Thomas advised Joe to get himself a sturdy home to make sure he was safe from the wolf.
Joe asked his two brothers how they remained safe from the Wolf. Chris the engineer told Joe how he designed a Wolf proof abode. It was a perfect structure and soundly built. It had taken two and a half years to design and build, but Chris the engineer was confident that his home was 100% Wolf proof.
Thomas, not having Chris's skills as an engineer, told Joe that he had invented a special chemical compound that was absolutely repugnant to wolves. When used correctly, Thomas guaranteed that his chemical compound was 100% effective at warding off and preventing Wolf attacks. Chris told Joe that it had taken Chris almost three years of working night and day to invent the Wolf repelling compound.
Joe just laughed, amazed at how dumb his engineer and chemist brothers were. First of all Joe said, "The Wolf is committing extortion and assault. If he tries that silliness with me, he will be in big trouble. I'll slap an injunction on him so fast it will make his head spin." Joe's brothers wanted to convince him of the danger, but they knew he was a Lawyer, and consequently thick skulled and of course thought he knew everything, so they left.
Instead of buying a sturdy home, Joe bought a small apartment complex. In law school he had learned about getting an inflated appraisal made on commercial and residential property in order to get 100% financing from the local Savings and Loan. As a result, Joe bought the apartment complex without any of his own money.
The apartment complex was old and worn down, but since like all towns, a significant portion of Porkville's residents were low-income working class people, Joe soon had leased all but one of his apartments. Being a new lawyer and having just opened his practice, Joe didn't have a lot of money. That fact coupled with the fact that Joe was a Lawyer and therefore naturally predisposed to squeezing every dime he could out of a situation, Joe decided to live in the remaining apartment. It was run down too, but with the money he made off the rents from the other tenants, he quickly fixed his apartment up.
Joe was always amazed at how shrewd he was. Here he was, living in an apartment rent free and the cash flow from his tenants covered the mortgage on the apartments and left about $1000 over each month for Joe.
Joe never put any of the excess rent back into the apartments to fix them up. Instead, he pocketed the money and let the apartments deteriorate, except his own ,of course. The tenants constantly complained that the apartments were worn down and overpriced, but Joe just ignored them. Of course, the apartments were worn down and overpriced, but taking advantage of the working class was what they taught him in law school. The tenants didn't have any choice after all. None of them could afford the financial requirements or pass the credit checks all of the other apartments in town subjected them to. As Joe saw it, he was doing them a favor. If it weren't for him, they wouldn't have any place to live at all.
Joe quickly built his law practice. He immediately sued many of the top businesses in town, as well as some of the more prominent citizens. In each instance he was able to squeeze a decent settlement out the people and companies he sued because it was easier and cheaper for the people he sued to pay a settlement than go to court. The settlements were not as high as Joe had hoped so he compensated by taking 60% of the settlement as his fee, plus his expenses. Since Joe was the first lawyer in town who would take cases on a contingency, his clients didn't know any different.
At the end of his first year, Joe was pretty satisfied. He had made good money and his apartments were usually full except when he would have to evict an occasional widow or orphan because they couldn't pay the rent. As you can imagine, Joe was not very popular around Porkville and his brothers were somewhat embarrassed.
Right around the beginning of Joe's second year in practice, the Wolf started harassing the tenants in Joe' s apartments. The tenants all complained to Joe because when they would see the Wolf coming they would go into their apartments and lock the doors, but due to the inadequate security and subpar nature of the apartments themselves, the Wolf had no trouble breaking in. Since the low-income residents had no money after paying Joe's exorbitant rents, the Wolf routinely beat them up. Joe ignored their complaints, figuring as long as they paid their rent, everything was okay.
Unbeknownst to Joe, the Wolf had been keeping an eye on him. The Wolf knew that Joe owned the apartments he was terrorizing so the Wolf figured that Joe must have a lot of money.
One day in the parking lot, the Wolf confronted Joe. The Wolf walked up to Joe and said, "Give me $500 or you'll regret it." Joe, stifling a laugh, reached into his briefcase and pulled out an official looking document. He threw it into the Wolf's face. "This," said Joe in his most lawyerly voice, "is an Injunction enjoining you from coming within 100 feet of me, and it is signed by the local judge." Joe continued, "Accordingly, you must immediately cease and desist. If you violate this court order, you are subject to immediate arrest. I will also bring a civil suit against you seeking actual damages, lost wages, mental anguish, as well as punitive damages. Furthermore, ..." The Wolf didn't wait to hear what Joe was going to say next, because the Wolf, being suddenly overcome by a tremendous loathing for lawyers in general and Joe in particular, and being particularly disgusted by the legal mumbo jumbo that Joe was screaming at him half of which the Wolf couldn't even understand, the Wolf suddenly ate Joe. The Wolf was surprised at the forcefulness of his reaction, having never eaten anyone before despite his violent nature. Hence, the Wolf, fearing the consequences of his spontaneous consumption, ran away.
The tenants in Joe's apartments had been watching all this, and when they saw the Wolf eat Joe, they immediately ran after the Wolf. Many concerned citizens of Porkville joined in the chase. The Wolf was at a severe disadvantage because he had just eaten an entire lawyer, and he was bloated from the experience.
After about a mile and a half the people of Porkville caught the Wolf. The Wolf immediately began begging for forgiveness, saying he didn't mean to eat the lawyer, that it was all a mistake, and asking the concerned citizens of Porkville not punish him too severely.
"Punish you?" The crowd repeated in amazement. "We don't want to punish you. We want to thank you. We've been thinking of ways to get rid of that no good lawyer ever since he got here." The Wolf, although somewhat confused, accepted the gratitude of the citizen's of Porkville and followed them back into Porkville where they threw a banquet in his honor.
Inspired by the new found respect and admiration that the citizens of Porkville showed for him, the Wolf decided to run for Mayor of Porkville, and to his suprise he won. That was about 12 years ago and the Wolf is still the Mayor of Porkville, running unopposed in each election. Because Porkville has no term limits, it is anticipated that the Wolf will be the Mayor for a long time to come.
The Wolf often reflects on his good fortune. Once he was an outcast, universally hated and reviled, and with no friends. Now he is the Mayor of Porkville, and all the citizens of Porkville are happy because the Wolf is a good Mayor, and Porkville is prosperous. All of this because he ate Joe the lawyer. "Never let it be said," the Wolf thought, "that nothing good ever happens when a lawyer moves to town."
Lest this story leave you with the impression that Joe was not missed, let that thought be dispelled. Joe was sorely missed. He was sorely missed by all the Defense Lawyers in Porkville whose clients Joe had sued. After the demise of Joe their business dropped off 50%, and some of them have been forced to close their offices and move away from Porkville.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still
One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living. "Billy, you be first," she said, "What does you mother do
all day?"
Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father,
Tim?"
Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography.
Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the
bell. Tim's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his
son had said and demanded an explanation.
Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he
had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six
months of your life."
A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar.
All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost
interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing
happened.
Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what
had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a
lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.
The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive
that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and
before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather
bed.
As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great.
I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing
someone."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with
an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would
have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer."
She: You just don't care anymore!
He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel
better?
She: Like what?
He: How about a trip to Europe?
She: No.
He: What about a new Jaguar?
She: No.
He: Well, what DO you want?
She: A divorce.
He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much.
How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What's a good wedding present for a lawyer who marries a snake?
A: Towels marked Hiss and Hiss.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Did you hear they came out with a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q: Why is doing business with a lawyer almost like having sex while using a condom?
A: Because you enjoy a wonderful feeling of safety and security while you know you're being screwed!
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
"There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth."
--Jean Giradoux
After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer-a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman's clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals,
including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked
after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student.
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you did."
--David Levin
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates,
Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk. "I want to fatten it up as fast as possible," she said.
Sally got the job.
Between grand theft and a legal fee,
There only stands a law degree.
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
---------------There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
---------------A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City.
To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
-------------Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.
----------------------A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time
and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and
an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck
up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and
said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your
brains
out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
Ranger's
message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was
buried
under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't
dare shoot
me.'"
A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and
decided it
would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when
the
proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned
twice
already, and I don't want to see it again."
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the
corner;
several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the
gutters and
side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the
brass rat
over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats
follow
into the depths.
The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short,
saying,
"Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, "
Oh no,
that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer."
----------------------
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled
road. The bill of fare is as follows:
-------------------------
--------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?
When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
--------------------
----------------------
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
------------------------
---------------------
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's funeral. "Here's a hundred," he said. "Bury 10 of 'em."
If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
A young lawyer with her first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from the point of the case.
When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning
to the jury, said, "I'll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument."
"It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the
greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery."
--Samuel Goldwyn
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated
one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life."
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.
Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er,
Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
Said the client, "Tell me how
You can be friends, who fought just now."
"Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen,
Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."
--Burl Ives
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He started swimming toward the far-off shore, wondering how he could make it safely. As he was swimming, the sharks seemed to make way for him, helping him reach shore safely. We suspect it was professional courtesy.
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.
What do a baker and an attorney have in common?
They both enjoy carving up the pie.
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for one hour's work isn't bad."
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Human one: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Human two: Why do you say that?
Human one: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."
A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.
"That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've billed you're 119 years old."
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd
been there eight hours.
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it!," the attorney said.
A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.
His wife asks, "What's the matter?"
"My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer replied.
"That's terrible," said his wife.
"You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...."
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy
to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.
He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea Captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabelle. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution in securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"
They got it
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been
used."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
_____________________________________________________________________
Computers and lawyers have grown greatly in numbers since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten smarter and cheaper every 18 months.
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work... The first one said"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon, "when you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically arranged."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "you are all wrong!! Lawyers are the easiest... They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."
What do you have
when you've got 5 lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
What is sad about
a bus full of lawyers going off a cliff?
Two seats in the back are empty.
A father comes home from work and sees his son at the computer really concentrating. The father asks the son what he is doing. The son replies "I am trying to decide whether to conquer the Universe by nuclear war or conventional arms. The father suggests that the son use the method that results in the lesser loss of life. The son says "That's what I am doing." The father looks over his son's shoulder and asks the son why he is counting the law students as only .2 persons each, and the son replies, "Their value doesn't go to zero until after they pass the bar exam."
A man walks up
to a lawyer and says "How much do you charge?" The lawyer replies,
"$100 for 3 questions." The man says, "That's quite a bit
of money don't you think?" The lawyer says, "It sure is. What's
your third question?"
There once were three brother pigs: Chris, Thomas, and Joe. After they graduated from High School, each pig sibling went off to college. Chris became an mechanical engineer, Thomas studied chemistry, while Joe was a Liberal Arts major and spent most of his time drinking beer.
After graduation, Chris went to work for a big engineering firm while Thomas went to work for a biomechanical research institute. Joe, with his liberal arts degree, couldn't get a job so he went to graduate school. But not just any graduate school. Joe went to law school and became a Lawyer.
During the three years that Joe spent in Law School, primarily drinking beer, his brothers were working away. Once Joe graduated from law school he moved back to Porkville where his two brothers lived. As soon as Joe got to Porkville, his two brothers invited him over and gave him some disturbing news. It seemed that Porkville was being terrorized by a huge Wolf. This Wolf would come to resident's homes at all hours and demand money from them or else he would beat the resident up. Chris and Thomas advised Joe to get himself a sturdy home to make sure he was safe from the wolf.
Joe asked his two brothers how they remained safe from the Wolf. Chris the engineer told Joe how he designed a Wolf proof abode. It was a perfect structure and soundly built. It had taken two and a half years to design and build, but Chris the engineer was confident that his home was 100% Wolf proof.
Thomas, not having Chris's skills as an engineer, told Joe that he had invented a special chemical compound that was absolutely repugnant to wolves. When used correctly, Thomas guaranteed that his chemical compound was 100% effective at warding off and preventing Wolf attacks. Chris told Joe that it had taken Chris almost three years of working night and day to invent the Wolf repelling compound.
Joe just laughed, amazed at how dumb his engineer and chemist brothers were. First of all Joe said, "The Wolf is committing extortion and assault. If he tries that silliness with me, he will be in big trouble. I'll slap an injunction on him so fast it will make his head spin." Joe's brothers wanted to convince him of the danger, but they knew he was a Lawyer, and consequently thick skulled and of course thought he knew everything, so they left.
Instead of buying a sturdy home, Joe bought a small apartment complex. In law school he had learned about getting an inflated appraisal made on commercial and residential property in order to get 100% financing from the local Savings and Loan. As a result, Joe bought the apartment complex without any of his own money.
The apartment complex was old and worn down, but since like all towns, a significant portion of Porkville's residents were low-income working class people, Joe soon had leased all but one of his apartments. Being a new lawyer and having just opened his practice, Joe didn't have a lot of money. That fact coupled with the fact that Joe was a Lawyer and therefore naturally predisposed to squeezing every dime he could out of a situation, Joe decided to live in the remaining apartment. It was run down too, but with the money he made off the rents from the other tenants, he quickly fixed his apartment up.
Joe was always amazed at how shrewd he was. Here he was, living in an apartment rent free and the cash flow from his tenants covered the mortgage on the apartments and left about $1000 over each month for Joe.
Joe never put any of the excess rent back into the apartments to fix them up. Instead, he pocketed the money and let the apartments deteriorate, except his own, of course. The tenants constantly complained that the apartments were worn down and overpriced, but Joe just ignored them. Of course, the apartments were worn down and overpriced, but taking advantage of the working class was what they taught him in law school. The tenants didn't have any choice after all. None of them could afford the financial requirements or pass the credit checks all of the other apartments in town subjected them to. As Joe saw it, he was doing them a favor. If it weren't for him, they wouldn't have any place to live at all.
Joe quickly built his law practice. He immediately sued many of the top businesses in town, as well as some of the more prominent citizens. In each instance he was able to squeeze a decent settlement out the people and companies he sued because it was easier and cheaper for the people he sued to pay a settlement than go to court. The settlements were not as high as Joe had hoped so he compensated by taking 60% of the settlement as his fee, plus his expenses. Since Joe was the first lawyer in town who would take cases on a contingency, his clients didn't know any different.
At the end of his first year, Joe was pretty satisfied. He had made good money and his apartments were usually full except when he would have to evict an occasional widow or orphan because they couldn't pay the rent. As you can imagine, Joe was not very popular around Porkville and his brothers were somewhat embarrassed.
Right around the beginning of Joe's second year in practice, the Wolf started harassing the tenants in Joe' s apartments. The tenants all complained to Joe because when they would see the Wolf coming they would go into their apartments and lock the doors, but due to the inadequate security and subpar nature of the apartments themselves, the Wolf had no trouble breaking in. Since the low-income residents had no money after paying Joe's exorbitant rents, the Wolf routinely beat them up. Joe ignored their complaints, figuring as long as they paid their rent, everything was okay.
Unbeknownst to Joe, the Wolf had been keeping an eye on him. The Wolf knew that Joe owned the apartments he was terrorizing so the Wolf figured that Joe must have a lot of money.
One day in the parking lot, the Wolf confronted Joe. The Wolf walked up to Joe and said, "Give me $500 or you'll regret it." Joe, stifling a laugh, reached into his briefcase and pulled out an official looking document. He threw it into the Wolf's face. "This," said Joe in his most lawyerly voice, "is an Injunction enjoining you from coming within 100 feet of me, and it is signed by the local judge." Joe continued, "Accordingly, you must immediately cease and desist. If you violate this court order, you are subject to immediate arrest. I will also bring a civil suit against you seeking actual damages, lost wages, mental anguish, as well as punitive damages. Furthermore, ..." The Wolf didn't wait to hear what Joe was going to say next, because the Wolf, being suddenly overcome by a tremendous loathing for lawyers in general and Joe in particular, and being particularly disgusted by the legal mumbo jumbo that Joe was screaming at him half of which the Wolf couldn't even understand, the Wolf suddenly ate Joe. The Wolf was surprised at the forcefulness of his reaction, having never eaten anyone before despite his violent nature. Hence, the Wolf, fearing the consequences of his spontaneous consumption, ran away.
The tenants in Joe's apartments had been watching all this, and when they saw the Wolf eat Joe, they immediately ran after the Wolf. Many concerned citizens of Porkville joined in the chase. The Wolf was at a severe disadvantage because he had just eaten an entire lawyer, and he was bloated from the experience.
After about a mile and a half the people of Porkville caught the Wolf. The Wolf immediately began begging for forgiveness, saying he didn't mean to eat the lawyer, that it was all a mistake, and asking the concerned citizens of Porkville not punish him too severely.
"Punish you?" The crowd repeated in amazement. "We don't want to punish you. We want to thank you. We've been thinking of ways to get rid of that no good lawyer ever since he got here." The Wolf, although somewhat confused, accepted the gratitude of the citizen's of Porkville and followed them back into Porkville where they threw a banquet in his honor.
Inspired by the new found respect and admiration that the citizens of Porkville showed for him, the Wolf decided to run for Mayor of Porkville, and to his suprise he won. That was about 12 years ago and the Wolf is still the Mayor of Porkville, running unopposed in each election. Because Porkville has no term limits, it is anticipated that the Wolf will be the Mayor for a long time to come.
The Wolf often reflects on his good fortune. Once he was an outcast, universally hated and reviled, and with no friends. Now he is the Mayor of Porkville, and all the citizens of Porkville are happy because the Wolf is a good Mayor, and Porkville is prosperous. All of this because he ate Joe the lawyer. "Never let it be said," the Wolf thought, "that nothing good ever happens when a lawyer moves to town."
Lest this story leave you with the impression that Joe was not missed, let that thought be dispelled. Joe was sorely missed. He was sorely missed by all the Defense Lawyers in Porkville whose clients Joe had sued. After the demise of Joe their business dropped off 50%, and some of them have been forced to close their offices and move away from Porkville.
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