Drinking jokes

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's "Cheers") --------------------------------------------------

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach, and they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.....pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one.....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

---------------------

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

- ---------------------------------------------------

Fred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said:

"I spit in my beer."

When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:

"I spit in your beer too!" --------------- It's the Beer.... A man spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" "Beerscrew." ------------------- Subject: Consumption of alcohol WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll overin the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al." WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. -----------------

Wiley's Reasons why Beer is better than Women

Beer is always wet.
Beer doesn't care if you look at other beer.
With beer, you always get good head.
You're always the first to drink a beer.
When you're done with a beer you can just go to sleep.
Beer doesn't get PMS.
Yeast in beer is a good thing.
You can take home six beers in a night.
Beer won't take your credit cards to the mall.
Beer can't give you STD's.
You don't have to buy flowers for beer.
You don't have to wash a beer to make it taste good.
You can share a beer with your friends.
If your beer is flat, you can get another beer.
A beer is always ready, even in the morning.
Beer can't get pregnant.
You don't have to meet a beer's parents.
A beer doesn't care how many other beers you've had.
A beer is easy to finish off.
If you spend money for beer, you always get some.
Beer always looks good.
It's easy to take the top off a beer.
Beer doesn't judge you.
Beer always makes you happy.
You can drink two beers at a time.
A beer never complains that it's too fat.
You don't have to hold a beer when your done with it.
There'll always be more beer.

--------------- This guy walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender puts an apple on the table...the guy looks at it and repeats..I said I want a rum and coke. The bartender says just try the apple. So the guy bites into the apple...and replies, wow this tastes like rum. The bartender tells him to turn it around...he bites in again and replies, wow it tastes like coke. A minute later another guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender puts an apple on the table...this guy just as confused as the first explains he wants a gin and tonic. The guy next to him urges him to try it. So the guy bites into it...wow it tastes like gin. The guy tells him to turn it around...he bites in it again...wow it tastes like tonic. Later that night another guy walks in a joins the two guys at the bar. The guys are so excited about these apples that they tell this guy that the bartender has an apple for which ever taste you want. So the guy asks for an apple that taste like pussy. The bartender puts the apple on the table.....the guy bites into it and says...this taste like SHIT!!! The bartender replies...turn it around! ----------------- A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!" ------------- $2000!!!!!! A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize. "You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says. "Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What are the three things?" "Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs." "No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut. Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room--it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily. "Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled?? ----------------- 200 More Dollars! A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says "I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop." The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all over everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says "I knew you couldn't do it." The man replies, "You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing." --------------- Drinking Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drank I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools. --Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. -- Ross Levy A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862! Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support Group -----------------



   Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's "Cheers")
     --------------------------------------------------
     "Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
     "No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

     "How's a beer sound, Norm?"
     "I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

     "What's shaking, Norm?"
     "All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

     "What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
     "Going Down?"

     "What's new, Normie?"
     "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach, and they're   
	demanding beer."

     "What'll it be, Normie?"
     "Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

     "What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
     "Daddy wuvs you."

     "What'd you like, Normie?"
     "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

     "What'll you have, Normie?"
     "Well I'm in a gambling mood Sammy.   I'll take a glass of whatever
     comes out of that tap."
     "Looks like beer, Norm."
     "Call me Mister Lucky."

     "What'd you say, Norm?"
     "Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

     "What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
     "Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

     (Coming in from the rain)
     "Evening everybody."
     Everybody: "Norm!"
     "Still pouring, Norm?"
     "That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

     "Whaddya say, Norm?"
     "Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

     "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
     "Like a baby treats a diaper."

     "Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
     "No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

     "How's life treating you?"
     "It's not, Sammy, but you can."

     "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
     "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy   
	ending."

     "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
     "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

     "Beer, Norm?"
     "Have I gotten that predictable?  Good."

     "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
     "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

     "Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
     "Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

     "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
     "Another layer for the winter, Wood."

     "Whatcha up to, Norm?"
     "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

     "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
     "Poor."
     "I'm sorry to hear that."
     "No, I mean pour."

     "How's life treating you, Norm?"
     "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

     "Women.  Can't live with 'em.....pass the beer nuts."

     "What's going down, Normie?"
     "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

     "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
     "Alright, but stop me at one.....make that one-thirty."

     "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
     "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone
     underwear."

     "What's the story, Norm?"
     "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

     "How's about a beer, Norm?"
     "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about
     it!"

     "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
     "The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please,   
	Woody."

     "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
     "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
     "For a beer?"
     "No, for stupid questions."

-------------------------

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Drinking jokes

Wiley's Reasons why Beer is better than Women

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