Really Dumb Jokes

　

　

------------------ The Wheelbarrow The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." --------

"LIFE IS FULL OF STUPID PEOPLE" REPORTS

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit![??]) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

1. A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE... AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up". 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!" 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllloooooooooo!) 8. THE GRAND FINALE This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE..... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. More Elephant Jokes How do you get an elephant into the fridge? 1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door. How do you get a giraffe into the fridge? 1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door. How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge? The door won't close. How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge? There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini. How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge? By the footprints in the butter. How do you get an elephant out of the water? Wet. How do you get two elephants out of the water? One by one. ----------------- Fun Things to do in an Elevator: - Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head. - Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. - Shave. - Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" - Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. - When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. - Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. - On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. - Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" - When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!" - Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. - Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" - Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. - Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. - Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. - Leave a box between the doors. - Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. - Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. - Start a sing-along. - When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" - Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." - Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." - Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. - If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" - While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently. ------------- It's a Boy! A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons lookin on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink; Take another drink." The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says "That boy should have quit while he was a head." ... (groan) ------------ A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed down the front of his pants. Bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel jammed down the front of your pants!" Guy looks fed up and says "yeah, it's driving me nuts!" ---------------------- Nice expressions to describe dumb people: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal A few Cokes short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most. ---------------- Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue... I love waking up and making love to you!" Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an 'shit...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell: bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works. Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice that's all. I just told her a poem...." "Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog...If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog. -------------------- On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light. Finally, she rang for the steward. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been on for some time." ------------------- A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against...get this...fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge, stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested for...arson. ---------------------- NATURAL JUSTICE, but not the police, has caught up with two men in South Australia who killed a rabbit with high explosive. According to a free magazine distributed to Australian expatriates in London, police are looking for the two who apparently tied a stick of gelignite to the bunny and lit the fuse before setting the terrified animal free. "The trick backfired," the magazine reports, "when the rabbit took cover under their four-wheel drive vehicle. The men escaped but their A$20,000 utility was wrecked." (16 August 1984) Digital demon IT'S REASSURING to know just what a firm grip on technology some people have. According to the Computer Fraud and Security Bulletin, a supermarket tabloid reports that two people were killed by a virus-infected computer in Valparaiso, Chile. The virus is said to have created a horned demon which decapitated one worker; the other died from a heart attack. Anyone coming within 3 metres of the computer blacked out or started deranged babbling. The computer was exorcised. (1 February 1992) -------------------- Target practice A GOOD story deserves a good airing. What follows was spotted in Bike magazine, which had spotted it in Pilot magazine. Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were recently having a pleasant time out on the Scottish moors, trapping speeding motorists with a radar gun. Suddenly their equipment went crazy, registering a speed of over 300 miles per hour. It then locked up completely. Seconds later the startled boys in blue understood why, as a low-flying Harrier jet screamed over their heads. Upset that their radar gun had been broken, the policemen put in a complaint to the Royal Air Force -- only to discover that the damage could easily have been much worse. The RAF informed them that the Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to what it had interpreted as enemy radar. This immediately triggered an automatic air-to-surface missile attack. Fortunately for the two policemen, the Harrier was operating unarmed. (17 February 1996) ------------------ Even the ashtray ASHTRAYS MAY soon be turning against smokers. Wan Chung of Taiwan has filed a British patent application (2 251 542) for an ashtray which has a slot at the side for a box of matches. When a smoker picks up the matches, the ashtray makes a coughing sound and warns against smoking. Underneath the box of matches there is a photosensitive chip. When the smoker lifts the matches, light reaching the chip changes its resistance. This triggers a circuit which sends sound stored in a microchip to a small loudspeaker. (19/26 December 1992) ----------------- Just add water WITH THE festive season in full swing, we came across a snippet that should break the ice at even the most dismal gathering. For we learn that in Austin, Texas, Jeff Nightbyrd a 36-year-old entrepreneur, is marketing instant urine for the growing number of employees who are being asked by their bosses to undergo tests to see if they're using drugs. Like instant coffee, the urine comes in powder form, and it is reconstituted by adding hot distilled water. It can be ordered by mail at a cost of £19.95 for two 2-gram vials, providing enough urine for two samples. Nightbyrd won't say how he turns urine into powder, but according to an analytical chemist at the University of Texas, it must be a very smelly business. (25 December 1986/1 January 1987) ------------------------------------------- CONGRATULATIONS TO the trade magazine Computer Technology for an illuminating article by Michael Doherty about the technology of communicating with the dead. The piece is full of fascinating information about what the author calls "necrophony". Did you know, for example, that Thomas Edison attempted to construct a "spirit communicator" in the 1920s? He didn't get very far but, undaunted, continued the work after his death, communicating his progress through a medium called Sigrum Seuterman in 1967. Since Edison's pioneering efforts, methods of communication with the "living impaired" have come on apace. Tape recorders, in particular, have proved to be immensely useful in recording otherwise inaudible spirit voices. The late Konstantine Raudive, a leader in this field, compiled a collection of 72 000 tapes of spirit recordings while he was still with us. After his death, like Edison, he continued his work from "the other side" and was himself tape-recorded by his followers. Modified telephones have also played a part in necrophony. Several inventors have come up with devices that enable people to phone deceased relatives and friends. Notable among these is the "spiricom", which Doherty describes as "a complex 29 megahertz communications system that established 'quality' two-way conversations for the first time". Unfortunately, a slight hitch with the spiricom emerged after the death of one of its inventors, William O'Neil, who related through the device that experiments on his side were being conducted at 68 megahertz. The next step is obvious, and people are already working on it. Before long, we will be able to download software that will enable us to communicate with the dead through our computers. If Doherty is to be believed, several companies in the US are on the brink of releasing such software. Feedback foresees problems here, though. How many dead people are computer literate? And are computers on the other side IBM-compatible, or do the living impaired prefer Apple Macs? (10 January 1998) We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk." --------------------- CHRISTOPHER HOPE was disappointed by the warning he spotted on a gallon container of the laboratory disinfectant Hibitane. "Avoid contact with brain," it told him, thereby spoiling his plans for a fun-filled afternoon drilling holes in his skull and pouring disinfectant into them. (4 July 1998) THE RED LION pub at Lacock in Wiltshire offers whisky-flavoured condoms for sale. The small print at the bottom of the machine advises: "Warning-Do not drive while using this product." (16 May 1998) WE LEARN that the Acme ultrasonic dog whistle warns purchasers: "This product will be ineffective if your dog is deaf." Well, well, well. (18 July 1998) JOHN ISLES writes to tell us his favourite dumb instruction. It was on his Kenner Toy Company's "Batman Returns" costume: "CAUTION-FOR PLAY ONLY: Cape does not enable user to fly." (3 February 1996) -------------------- This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise? ------------------------ Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 17. War Dims Hope for Peace 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead ------------------ Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" -------------------------- A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water..." A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear. "You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!" "Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some." Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed. Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?" "Water..." was the feeble reply. "Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!" -------------------------------------------------- ---------------------- "Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement." "Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?" ------------------

　

___________________________________________

Thanks for visiting me. If you have any comments or suggestions you can write me a note right now or send me email later at jmackin@gol.com.

　

Come Again

___________________________________________