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Timely humor in light of all the linguistics debates in Oakland... Jewish English or "Hebonics"
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are some characteristics of the language and sample phrases in standard English and Jewish English.
Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words. Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."
The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking" becomes "valking"
"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural that is difficult to represent in standard English orthography. For example, It is "ghraining" "algheady".
Questions are always answered with questions:
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning:
Sarcastic emphasis is obtained by repeating a word after adding or substituting "sh" at the beginning.
| Standard English Phrase | Hebonics Phrase |
|---|---|
| "He walks slowly" | "Like a fly in the ointment, he walks" |
| "Sorry, I do not know the time" | "What do I look like, a clock?" |
| "I hope things turn out for the best" | "You should BE so lucky" |
| "Anything can happen" | "It is never so bad, it can't get worse" |
It seems that there was a captain in the KGB whose stupid son had great difficulties understanding the concepts of the Party, the Motherland, the Unions and the People. The captain told the boy to think of his father as the Party, his mother as the Motherland, his grandmother as the Unions and himself as the People. Still the boy did not understand. In rage the father locked the boy in a wardrobe in the parental bedroom. That night the boy was still in the wardrobe when the father began to make love to the mother. The boy, watching through the wardrobe keyhole, said, "Now I understand! The Party rapes the Motherland while the Unions sleep and the People have to stand and suffer!"
---------------------------------------------- A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some roadside damage, directly across the street from a house of ill repute, when they witnessed a Protestant reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. "Would ya look at that, Mike!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him. "Did ya see that, Mike?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!" Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic priest, Lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Mike, look!" said Pat, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died." Redneck Sex Test 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False 20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False 23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
An IRISH girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father wasgetting frail and elderly.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.'
The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute.'
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.
The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me; his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant! ---------------------- You might be from Wisconsin if... 1. You define summer as three months of bad sledding. 2. Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar. 3. Snow tires come standard on all your cars. 4. You refer to the Packers as we. 5. At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm. 6. You can make sense out the words upnort and Trivers. 7. You have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week. 8. You can identify a Michigan accent. 9. You know what cow-tipping is. 10. You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike. 11. Down South to you means Chicago. 12. Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee. 13. The Big Three means Miller, Old Milwaukee & Pabst Blue Ribbon. 14. A brat is something you eat. 15. You were offended by the movie Fargo. 16. You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat . 17. You have no problem spelling Milwaukee. 18. You consider Madison exotic. 19. You got a passport to go to Minnesota. 20. Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers. 21. You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon. 22. You've seen a hodag. 23. You know that Gotham is a real city. 24. You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc. 25. You know what a bubbler is. 26. The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do. 27. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce. 28. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed. 29. A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer. 30. You go out for fish fry every Friday. 31. You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning & return home wearing shorts. 32. You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving. 33. Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive into a giant beer mug. 34. Your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July. 35. You know how to polka. 36. You drink soda and refer to your dad as pop. 37. Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans & a baseball cap. 38. You tried to tap the World's Largest Six Pack. 39. You were unaware there is a legal drinking age. 40. You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August. 41. You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark. 42. You define swimming season as Labor Day weekend. 43. Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost 44. You know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it. 45. You have more fishing poles than teeth. 46. You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend. 47. You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon. 48. You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. 49. You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit. 50. You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights. 51. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. 52. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. 53. You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow. 54. Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie. 55. You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car. 56. The local paper covers major headlines on 1/4 page, but requires pages for sports. 57. At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. 58. Your most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 59. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof. 60. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. 61. You head south to go to your cottage. 62. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 63. You find 0 degrees a little chilly. 64. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. 65. You play hockey outdoors 10 months a year. 66. Your hometown buys a Zamboni when they need a bus. 67. You know what to do with a Blatz. 68. You actually understand these jokes. ------------------------------------- Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered with ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a particularly pretty place and asked, "What's that one?" "WISCONSIN," the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from Wisconsin are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration. but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiny-assed, arrogant piss-ants I'm putting next to them in ILLINOIS and MINNESOTA." --------------------- How to determine what British newspaper to read, an excerpt from the book "Yes, Prime Minister" by Jonathan Lynn and Anthony Jay: The Times is read by the people who run the country The Daily Mirror is read by the people who think they run the country The Guardian is read by those who think they ought to run the country The Morning Star is read by the people who think the country ought to be run by another country The Independent is read by people who don't know who runs the country but are sure they're doing it wrong. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country The Financial Times is read by the people who own the country The Daily Express is read by the people who think the country ought to be run as it used to be run. The Sun's readers don't care who runs the country, provided she has big boobs. ------------------------ Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said: "I graduated from Penn State and they taught us not to pee on our hands." --------------------------- Redneck Humor A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said "goats." A Report From the 2000 World Women's Liberation Conference ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told myhusband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker, from Russia, stood up and said, "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well." The crowd again cheered. The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Thibodaux, Louisiana, stoodup and said, "Afta last years' conference, I went rat home and tole dat lazy Coonass husband 'o mine, Boudreaux, dat I wadn't gonna do no mo'a his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have to do it all fer hissef." The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When it became quiet, she continued, "And I tole'em I wadn't gonna be doin' no mo cleanin' 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs and water dawgs, skinnin' none'a dem musrats and nutrias or check'n no mo catfeesh trotlines." The crowd went wild -- the cheering and clapping lasted for at least five minutes. When it again became calm, she continued, "Afta the fust day, I didn't saw nuttin'. Afta the second day, I didn't saw nuttin' too. But afta the thud day, I could saw a little bit outta my left eye." ---------------------- Cowboys and Indians....... A cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills. Cowboy: "Hey, that's a cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog don't talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Indian:(Look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian) Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: (Look of total disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: (Extreme look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements." Indian: (Look of total amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep lie." --------------------- A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Boudreaux. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Coonass, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, without using numbers, represent the number 9. Boudreaux says, "Dats easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Boudreaux says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99? Boudreaux says "Each tree's dirty now, so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "There ya go sir. 100." The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, Ha! got him this time. "Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred." Boudreaux leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hundred, when do I start my job?" ------------------ ------------ Wisconsin Three-Kick Rule A big-city, Minneapolis lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he thought he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it. The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I must inform you that I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the United States. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take every damn thing you own!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Well, I guess you don't know how we do things here in Eau Claire. We settle little arguments like this with the Wisconsin Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's the Wisconsin Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times. We keep doin' it until one of us gives up." The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old geezer. He agreed to use the Wisconsin Three-Kick Rule. The old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor and walked up to the city feller. With his first kick he planted the toe of his steel-toed work boot heavily in the lawyer's groin, which dropped the lawyer to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's excruciating third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his remaining strength and managed to get to his feet. He said, "Okay, you old bastard! Now it's MY turn!" The old farmer simply smiled and said, "Nope, I give up. You can have the duck." Choking There were 2 hillbillies in a bar. They both had on overalls with no clothes underneath (including underwear). As they were drinking their beers, this lady started choking on some peanuts. So the first hillbilly said to the other, "Quick pull down your overalls!" The second hillbilly does it and the first one starts to lick the second one's behind. Suddenly the lady stopped choking. Upon witnessing what happened, the first hillbilly said, "See, I knew that Hind Lick maneuver would work!" --------- A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said the maid. "Ze chauffeur told me zat!" ------------- YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN... 1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." 6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this." 8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 10. Your junior prom had a daycare. 11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines." 12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. 14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 15. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. 19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 20 . Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs. -------------------- ------------ You know you're from Silicon Valley when: * Your household income is $140,000 and you can't afford shoes for the kids - * You think anything slower than DSL is barbaric, but can't get it in your neighborhood - * You know what DSL stands for - * You and your spouse almost come to blows deciding to hit Peet's or Starbucks - * You think that American food includes sushi, naan, pho, pesto and pad thai - * You met your neighbors once - * When asked about your commute you answer in time, not distance - * Even though you work 80 hours per week on a computer, for relaxation you read your email and peruse eBay - * You have worked at the same job for a year and people call you an 'old-timer' - * The T-shirts you value most were for products that never made it to market - * You can name four different programming languages and you are not a programmer - * You remember the names of the three closest cheap sushi joints, the location of all the Fry's in the area and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the next year, but don't know the name of the mayor - * Standing in line at Starbucks you wonder why the employees don't call a head hunter - * You work 6 miles from your home and spend two hours a day commuting and $40 a week on gas - * Winter is when your lawn grows too fast and summer is when it dies - * The median price of a house is $500,000...for 1200 sq. ft. with no yard because it's a town house - * You live on some of the richest farm land in the world but most of what you eat comes from South America on a boat * Your best friend lives across town but you hardly ever see each other because after your commute you're too pooped to spend another hour driving to their home - * You have a master's degree in engineering but half the people in your department either didn't go to college or have history degrees, except if you have a master's from Stanford, in which case everyone in your department has a master's degree from Stanford - * You cringe when you see people in suits at your office, wondering if someone in management will make you stop wearing bunny slippers - * You plan your vacation so that you don't have to drive back from the airport in commute hours - * You don't go to sporting events unless you are given tickets by your employer - * You could sell your home and live like a king in 99% of the rest of the world, but don't because it would be difficult to move back. ------------ The Wall A visitor came to Israel and saw the Wailing Wall. Not being too versed in religious aspects, he inquired of another tourist about the significance of the wall. The other tourist explained, "This is a sacred wall. If you pray to it, God may hear you." The visitor walked close to the wall and started to pray. "Dear Lord," he said, "bring sunshine and warmth to this beautiful land." A commanding voice answered, "I will, my son." The visitor said, "Bring prosperity to this land." "I will, my son." Let Jews and Arabs live together in peace, dear Lord." The voice answered, "You're talking to a wall!!" "Speak'Scahnsin" The "ah" sound in Wis-cahn-sin, becomes much more pronounced. When saying the word Wisconsin, one forms the W with one's lips but never fully articulates it. What is heard by the listener is a very soft "Wuh" sound followed by a hard "Scansin." Hence the page name. In certain European ethnic pockets of Wisconsin, you'll hear some of the following colloquialisms and pronunciations: * " Side by each": Example: "Go park dem cars side by each." * "'N'so?": a meaningless interrogative following a statement; perhaps a contraction of another grammatical gem, "Ain't that so?" Example: "We're goin' to da store, 'n' so?" * "Go by", or "come by": frequently substituted for "go to" or "come to". Example: Go by da store and buy some beer ... den come by me. * "Bubbler": commonly known as a water fountain or drinking fountain in the rest of the free world. Example: I'll meet you at da bubbler after you go by da store, 'n so? * "Hey": Yes, hey is used about everywhere, as in "Hey, whatcha doin'?" In 'Scahnsin, it becomes "Whatcha doin', hey?" ALT. VERSION: "der hey" ... Whatcha doin, 'der hey? Usual reply... "Goin' by da store to buy some beer." * "Stop to da Pig": Means you're going to stop "at" the "Piggly Wiggly" grocery store. Example: Stop to da pig, buy some beer, den go by me, eh? * "Pop": What the rest of the country refers to as "soda" or "coke". Example: When you stop to da pig to get da beer, don't forget da pop, hey. * "C'mere once while you're up yet": Means could you get something for me while you're up, my legs seem to be painted on. Example: C'mere once while you're up yet, and go by da fridge and gimme a beer. * "Upside Right": Means to return an object to its correct position. Example: Oops, hey, I dropped dis beer on da way, so turn it upside right for a while before you open it. * "Stop'n go lights": Red, yellow and green luminous devices that control traffic at intersections; known as traffic lights or signal lights in other parts of the U.S. of A. Example: Turn right at da stop 'n go lights den stop to da pig. * "Start wit me last": This is used to tell a waitress to go on to someone else before taking your order. * "Schmear" and "sheephead": Two card games, probably of German origin. You can watch these games and have them explained for years, and you still won't know the rules. Actual names being smear and sheepshead. You can also schmear in sheephead. * "Hairs": Many Scahnsinites refer to their hair in the plural. Example: Didja get dem hairs cut? Yah, der hey. I got 'em permed, too. * "Ainna": Another meaningless interrogative; it is ALWAYS followed by a question mark, and is ALWAYS at the end of a sentence; probably "isn't it?" by way of "ain't it?" Incredibly concise example: "Cold, ainna?" * "Make Out": No, it's NOT what you're thinking! A scahnsinite doesn't put a fire out, he makes it out. When the Brewers get three outs, they also make out, meaning their turn at bat is over." * "Once der hey": Pretty common in Sheboygan. As in: I'm goin down to da bar once der hey. Also ... Did you know that in Sheboygan the person on the left has the right of way at a 4-way stop? Everywhere else the person on the right goes first. Ya hey, no kiddin!" * "Tree": One word we do use alot here is' tree', meaning three. Example: "Ders tree of dem guy's comin' up on Friday, and two more comin' on Saturday." * "Twodersmall": Used when asking for something in quantity. Might be isolated to Central Wisconsin and small pockets of South Milwaukee. Example: "Yah hey, I'll take a Point (beer), ah what da h*ll, gimme twodersmall!" * "Then": Always add the word "then" to all interrogative sentences. Example: "When are you gonna go then?" "What are we having for dinner then?" I had a friend from Sheboygan who claimed that in his homeotwn they said, "hey, ainna?", while in Milwaukee it was "ainna, hey?" (similar to "ainso".) And how 'bout adding "hey once", as in: "Hey once, let's go down by Prange's". * "Where abouts": Used when asking for a directional reference. Example: Where abouts are you? * "Itch": One thing I have noticed is that scahnsinites say the word "itch" instead of "scratch". Example: "Stop itching that mosquito bite". * "Chu" or "cha": Some Scahnsinites may say "youse" or "yuz," perhaps because, except perhaps for the South, someone everywhere says "youse" or "yuz." Scahnsinites do say "chu" or "cha" as in "Whatchudoin'? Whatchadoin?" It's possible some say "yu" or "ya" instead. * "At all": As in "Do ya want anymore coffee at all?" I was truly astonished not to find this already reported. On recent visits to Wisconsin, I've found it nearly ubiquitous--and I've never heard it anywhere else, except in a restaurant in Washington, D.C., recently, from the mouth of a waiter ... just in from Wisconsin. * Saying "come with", instead of "come with me". Example: "I am going out to the store, do you want to come with? * Calling sweet rolls "bakery". "Go down by Schmidlers and get some bakery, eh?" * "Frying out" rather than grilling or barbequeing. "Lets go get some brats and fry 'em out tonight for supper." * More "Frying out" - Sheboyganites do not barbecue, they "fry-out," and a favorite childhood meal of mine was "bake-dish with wieners," which falls into the same realm as hot dishes and casseroles. * "And-what-not-all" or just "what-not": Example: "Go down by Pranges and get some beer, chips, pop and what not. * How do you spell "youse"? (Scahnsin for you in plural) Example: "Youse guys want to come over for cards"? * Another common thing is the "U. P." Anywhere outside of Northeast Wisconsin people have no idea what this means. I have said that my "friends are goin' to the U.P." up here in Minnesota and people think I am strange. For all you non-Wisconsin folks, the U. P, is the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. * "Th" is frequently pronounced "T". Example: "Trow da cow over da fence some hay" * "Anna": contraction for "and a". If you want more on this watch Lawrence Walk "Anna 1, anna 2". Examples: "Lets go by da bar T'ursday after work and get a shot anna beer der hey". * And one old one I can't really explain, but I do understand it: "Down by Schusters where da street car bends da corner round". * "Hey, don't cha know", or "Don't cha know, hey". Example: "And then he just died, don't cha know, hey?" * Another one I noticed a lot, amongst my uncles and older cousins, is: "Yah, heard dat"… It might just be a Prescott thing, but this is not at all atypical - Example: "Yah, dat Favre dere, he's a dam fine Packer." "Yah, heard dat. Hey, go by da fridge and get me a Leinie's." "Alright alright. Ya lazy hoser." * "Were you born in a barn?" That's what a 'scahnsinite says if you leave the door open on a cold day. I first heard this in 1988, and to this day I'm not sure what it means. * Up in the hinterlands a very common one is to end a sentence with "though" maybe like you southern folk use "ainna". Example: "That Brett Favre, he's played pretty good though. Sort of a "don't you think" is implied, as opposed to a "however' that people might mean in other parts of the world. * It's a little vulgar, but when somebody sez something unbelieveable, youse gotta reply "Noshithuh"? Which is sayin' "No Shit Huh?", but ya see, it's actually one word in Scahnsin. Hey, dey really say dat up in da nort woods, no kiddin'. Uniquely Wisconsin Foods * Friday night fish fry: The tradition of dining out on Fridays, no matter what you eat, is called 'Going out for fish'. This phrase originates from Lent, where Catholics are/were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. * Fish boils: (not to be confused with staph infections of ichthyoid origin.) A very Door County tradition, where a large pot (like a witch's caldron) is placed over an open fire (outdoors), and large amounts of fish, potatoes and onions are boiled in heavily-salted water to a proper state of doneness. The final step: kerosene is poured over the boiling water and ignited. This burns off the fish oils to prevent a 'fishy' flavor and imparts one of petroleum distillates instead. Probably a Viking tradition, as they tended to burn everything. * Fried Cheese Curds: A uniquely Wisconsin trait, "If it doesn't move fast enough, deep fat fry it!" * Sweet Rolls: Cheeseheads call 'em "sweet rolls". According to Mary Anne, "They're donuts, darnit!" * Hot Dish: A term used to describe a casserole or any other hot one-dish dish; any respectable "hot dish" contains at least one can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup, and either crumbled potato chips or canned onion rings as the topping. * Sloppy Joes: (Spanish Hamburger) In Manitowoc, Wisconsin they call sloppy joes "hot tamales", and they all like "broasted" chicken, which is pressurized deep-fried chicken -- loaded with fat, but delicious. A famous dessert is called "knee caps", which are fried donuts with cream on top. There is also an invisible Mason-Dixon line separating north and south 'scahnsin. The only way to tell is to ask them their favorite store - if they answer "Fleet Farm" they're from da Nort, if "Farm and Fleet" they're from da Sout. How to pronounce English words in 'Scahnsin. The heavy (no pun intended) Germanic influence took its toll on the pronunciation of the letters "th." These, them, and those frequently sound like dese, dem, and doze. * Vowels in 'Scahnsinese - These are tricky. One must learn to pronounce these letters with an Upper Midwest nasal twang not heard in the rest of the country. Only Yoopers and 'Sotans can do it as well as 'Scahnsinites. For instance, the "ah" sound in Wis-cahn-sin. When saying the word Wisconsin, one forms the W with one's lips but never fully articulates it. What is heard by the listener is a very soft "Wuh" sound followed by a hard "Scahnsin." That's why this page is called "Speak'Scahnsin." * The letter "o" - The short "o" sound, as in frog, was discussed above. The long "o" sound as in toad, is difficult to master for the non-native. This sound almost becomes two syllables -- an "oh" sound followed by a soft, short "i." The result is toh'-id. The terminal "oh" sound also becomes two syllables, an "oh" followed by a short "uh." Example: the word "no" comes out "Noah." This is especially confusing to little boys with a particular Old Testament name. See other examples below. * The letter "u" - The short "u" as in underwear, is pronounced the same as everywhere else, unless you're talking to a Norwegian, but that's a whole 'nother story. The long "u" sound, especially when it is the terminal sound, as in YOU, almost becomes two syllables -- yoo'-ah. Common Translations: * Yah = Yes * No'-ah = no * Mwaukee = the largest city in W'scahnsin * Koont = Couldn't * Woont = Wouldn't * Dint = Didn't * Up nort = Up north, or to a vacation cottage, no matter which direction. In some regions, one goes Up Sout and Down Nort * Shawano = Shah-no (Everywhere else = Sha-wa-no) * Gillett = Jill'-ette (accent on first syllable) (Everywhere else Jill-ette', like the shaver) * Melk = Milk (really) * Doh-wint = Don't (Two syllables and a louder DOH for more emphasis.)
Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and takes out his cellular phone. "OK; buy 100 shares." The Canadian tells the other executives, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry the phone everywhere."
On the next tee they hear another phone. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his head and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the other, "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way I don't have to worry about cellular telephones." The people are impressed and move on.
On the green, they hear yet another phone ring. The German guy stands up tall and says, "OK, sell the company now. Danke." He loosens up and tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.
At the next tee they hear still another phone. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him and they go into the bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with his pants around his legs and squatting. "Oh, we're so sorry", the American exclaims. "We'll leave you alone." "That's OK", the Japanese executive says, "I'm just waiting for a fax."
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You might be from Wisconsin if...
1. You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
2. Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
3. Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
4. You refer to the Packers as we.
5. At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.
6. You can make sense out the words upnort and Trivers.
7. You have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
8. You can identify a Michigan accent.
9. You know what cow-tipping is.
10. You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels
were off your bike.
11. Down South to you means Chicago.
12. Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.
13. The Big Three means Miller, Old Milwaukee & Pabst Blue Ribbon.
14. A brat is something you eat.
15. You were offended by the movie Fargo.
16. You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat .
17. You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
18. You consider Madison exotic.
19. You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
20. Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers.
21. You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
22. You've seen a hodag.
23. You know that Gotham is a real city.
24. You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.
25. You know what a bubbler is.
26. The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.
27. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue
spruce.
28. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
29. A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
30. You go out for fish fry every Friday.
31. You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning & return home wearing
shorts.
32. You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
33. Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive into a giant beer mug.
34. Your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July.
35. You know how to polka.
36. You drink soda and refer to your dad as pop.
37. Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans & a baseball cap.
38. You tried to tap the World's Largest Six Pack.
39. You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
40. You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August.
41. You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark.
42. You define swimming season as Labor Day weekend.
43. Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost
44. You know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it.
45. You have more fishing poles than teeth.
46. You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
47. You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London &
Poland all in one afternoon.
48. You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
49. You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
50. You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
51. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
52. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
53. You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow.
54. Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
55. You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
56. The local paper covers major headlines on 1/4 page, but requires pages and pages for sports.
57. At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
58. Your most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
59. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
60. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
61. You head south to go to your cottage.
62. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
63. You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
64. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
65. You play hockey outdoors 10 months a year.
66. Your hometown buys a Zamboni when they need a bus.
67. You know what to do with a Blatz.
68. You actually understand these jokes.
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Timely humor in light of all the linguistics debates in Oakland... Jewish English or "Hebonics"
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are some characteristics of the language and sample phrases in standard English and Jewish English.
Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words. Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."
The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking" becomes "valking"
"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural that is difficult to represent in standard English orthography. For example, It is "ghraining" "algheady".
Questions are always answered with questions:
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning:
Sarcastic emphasis is obtained by repeating a word after adding or substituting "sh" at the beginning.
| Standard English Phrase | Hebonics Phrase |
|---|---|
| "He walks slowly" | "Like a fly in the ointment, he walks" |
| "Sorry, I do not know the time" | "What do I look like, a clock?" |
| "I hope things turn out for the best" | "You should BE so lucky" |
| "Anything can happen" | "It is never so bad, it can't get worse" |
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It seems that there was a captain in the KGB whose stupid son had great difficulties understanding the concepts of the Party, the Motherland, the Unions and the People. The captain told the boy to think of his father as the Party, his mother as the Motherland, his grandmother as the Unions and himself as the People. Still the boy did not understand. In rage the father locked the boy in a wardrobe in the parental bedroom. That night the boy was still in the wardrobe when the father began to make love to the mother. The boy, watching through the wardrobe keyhole, said, "Now I understand! The Party rapes the Motherland while the Unions sleep and the People have to stand and suffer!"
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Brezhnev was telling his old mother how well he had done. He showed her his apartment--huge, with western furniture, dishwasher, freezer, servants, everything. She didn't say a word.
He took her to his dacha on the Black Sea--a big villa with a swimming pool, private beach, more servants. Still she wasn't impressed.
He took her to his hunting lodge in his Zil limousine, showed off the beautiful grounds, the guns, the dogs.
Finally he said, "Mother, mother, why don't you say something! Aren't you proud?" So she said, "It's wonderful, Leonid. But what will you do if the Communists come back?"
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Thanks for visiting me. If you have any comments or suggestions you can write me a note right now or send me email later at jmackin@gol.com. |
