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I have collected a lot of jokes--maybe too many--but they do lighten up your day. It would take too long to load all of them at once so I broke them down into common themes. Pick a them and laugh and cry away.
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I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a license for Sex". He said he would like to have one too. I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old". He said I must have been quite a kid.
Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food. I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part. But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio. I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing here. I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.
One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night. I went around the neighborhood looking for him. A cop came and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up this Friday.
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.
"These, Senor," replies the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones--how you say, the testicles--of the bull killed in the ring today."
The tourist swallows hard but tastes the dish and thinks it's delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them, are much smaller than the ones I had last night."
"Yes, Senor," replies the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm -- all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
How do you get a blond to stay in the shower all day?
Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Rinse and Repeat".
What do you call a blond with a high I.Q.?
A golden retriever.
Why did the blond drive into the ditch?
Her blinker was on.
What do you call a bunch of blonds in a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinkin.
Did you hear about the blond who broke her leg while raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
Why don't blonds make ice cubes?
They keep forgetting the recipe.
Why are there so many blond jokes?
It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.
How do you get a blond to laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.
Why does it take blonds so long to make chocolate chip cookies?
They have to first peel all the M & M's
Why did they fire the blond from the M & M's factory?
Because she kept throwing out all the W's.
Why do blonds work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.
Why did the blond stare at the orange juice carton?
Because it said "concentrate".
Why couldn't the blond make Koolaid?
She couldn't fit two quarts of water in the little packet.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one: she holds the bulb in place and waits for the world to revolve around her.
How do blond braincells die?
Alone.
There were 3 blondes who found a genie. He granted each of them a wish. The first wished she was 50% smarter - poof she's a BRUNETTE, the second wished she was 25% smarter - poof she's a REDHEAD, the third wished she was 50% dumber - poof she's a BLOND (50% of zero is still zero..)
Two blonds were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Whoopee-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.
"Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!"
Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: "I can't fly, you idiot......I'm a frog, not a canary!"
Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."
So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.
On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor.
After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.
Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't let nay-sayers get in my way."
So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).
Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs.
And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD)
On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy: stalling -- he asked for a delay in the project "until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable."
But Clarence was ready for him: he produced a timeline and pointed to the third milestone and asked, "You don't want to slip the schedule do you?"
Now this is not to say that Felix wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts.
But try as he might, he couldn't fly.
By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy.... he simply looked at Clarence and said: "You know you're killing me, don't you?"
Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him.
With that, Felix said quietly: "Shut up and open the window," and he leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building.
And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.
Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement.... nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to "Fall smarter, not harder."
The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong.
After much thought, Clarence smiled and said: "Next time...... I'm getting a smarter frog!"
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, " You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
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A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
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God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.
"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a God after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 98."
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back".
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!".
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said:
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT
TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey was very embarrassed and as he walked away, said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
"Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."
TEL AVIV - An Israeli woman's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem Post reported.
The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in the living room, stepped on it, threw it in the toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die.
Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a cigarette. When he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide ignited, "seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote.
When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.
Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom.
The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At USC I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At STANFORD, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At CALPOLY, I learned not to pee on my hands."
An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing and, at the 3rd hole, they heard a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left little finger to his mouth, and proceeds to have a phone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, "Oh, this is the latest American technology in cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"
They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and begins his phone conversation. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah,the wonders of German superior know-how!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and the Japanese fellow disappears behind some nearby bushes. The German and the American are curious so they walked over and peer into the bushes. They saw the Japanese fellow squatting with his pants down, with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his behind. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for fax".
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed into each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants.
Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died."
"It did" he said. "Today is the viewing."
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Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night!!?????"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"
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This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancée and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord, where they repeated their request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they came before the Lord the third time, ten years after their first request, and asked the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks later they realized they had made a horrible mistake, and that they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
Go directly there! You've been forewarned.
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured over every box score during the baseball season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that the one that died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. Being that he was a big Yankee fan, he died a happy man.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it is me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement.... the killer must have been.... Jim."
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- Your money is our money. Poking fun at the big 6 Canadian banks; based on ad campaign by BC Richmond Savings and Loan.
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