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40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..............Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
- THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
-- --
Cell migration
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.
If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.
Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.
After puberty not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.
--------------------------
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
------------------
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs.
-------------------
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I.......I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky........ "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.....I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know..." Becky whispered softly,
"That's why I poisoned you."
-----------------
THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able
to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
------------------------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put that damn gun down....'"
-------------------
A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then re- married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness. When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like fucking in used pussy?" "He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."
------------------
Position
HUSBAND: "Shall we try a different position tonight"?
WIFE: "That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart."
--------------------
THE FRYING PAN
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
-------------
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST or IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
-------------------
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT
--------------------
Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"
1.A Christmas tree is always erect.
2.Even small ones give satisfaction.
3.A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4.A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5.A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6.A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7.A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8.You can throw a Christmas tree out, when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9.You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
---------------------
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about three hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about two hours
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. He looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
-----------------
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversay. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " Explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said "That's once.".
------------------
Top ten reasons Eve was created:
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the keeper of the garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the number one reason why God created Eve....
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
----------------- What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22) 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates the finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32) 1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant 4. Listens more than he talks 5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times 6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42) 1. Not too ugly - bald head OK 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 10. Shaves on most weekends What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting 5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves on some weekends What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep) 5. Forgets why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers when... What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72) 1. Breathing --------------------- RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf. 10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like por- table heaters that snore. 13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Some- times they leave skid marks. 25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 27. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. ---======------------------- AJ's facts about women. 1. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. 2. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand". 3. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 4. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. 5. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. 6. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. 7. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what they're doing. It might be the lottery calling. 8. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch. 9. Women think all beer is the same. 10. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. 11. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. 12. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be. 13. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. 14. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?" 15. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 16. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. 17. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 18. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' 19. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. 20a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it. 20b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it. 21. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?" 22. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. 23. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. ------------------------------- Ten Things Men Know About Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobs. ------------------------------ Three trendy guys and a lady were sitting at the bar, talking about their lives. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE..... you know ... Young, Urban, Professional," The second guy says, "I'm a DINK.... you know ... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB.... you know ... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies..... "I'm a WIFE ... you know ... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc..." --------------- WHY MEN ARE GLAD TO BE MEN... . Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. . Your orgasms are real. Always. . Your last name stays put. . The garage is all yours. . Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. . Wedding plans take care of themselves. . You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. . Chocolate is just another snack. . You can be president. . You can wear a white shirt to a water park. . Foreplay is optional. . You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. . Car mechanics tell you the truth. . You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. . The world is your urinal. . Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. . You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. . Wrinkles add character. . You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. . Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. . If you retain water, it's in a canteen. . People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them . The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. . New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. . Porn movies are designed with you in mind. . Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. . Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" . One mood, all the time - horny.
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, Where Are You Going? I Told You to Turn Right on "Charlie" taxiway; You Turned Right on "Delta". Stop Right There. I Know it's difficult to tell the difference between Cs and Ds but get it right". Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've Messed Everything Up; it'll take Forever to sort this out. You Stay Right There and Don't Move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go Exactly Where I Tell You, When I tell you, and How I tell you. You Got That, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy |
|clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random |---->| more |
| dresser? | |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes|
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Yes | Yes | Yes
+---------------------------------------------
|
V
---------------
| Take whatever |
| is on top |
--------------- ------------------------
| | |
V V |
-------- No --------- -----------
| Is |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray |
| it | Not sure | smell |------------>| with |
| clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant |
-------- --------- -----------
| Yes | "Not bad"
+--------------------
|
V
-------------- --------- -------------
|For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Place item on|
|Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | dirty pile; |
| holes? |----------------->| visible?|------------->| start over |
-------------- --------- -------------
| No | No
+---------------------------------
|
V
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on|
|wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? |
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| No | No | Yes
+------------------------------------------------
|
V
-------- Kinda ------- ---------
| Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the|
| it | "Does it what?" | dark |---->|advice of|
| match? |----------------->| out? | | a female|
-------- ------- ---------
| Yes | Yes
+--------------------------
|
V
----------
| Put on |
| clothes! |
----------
--
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following two sections are not really fair to women, but they sure are funny, especially to the typical male, who never seems to be able to comprehend the other half of humanity. If any knows a similar collection of female humor, please mail it to me and I will give it "equal time."
Jim Blake's insights into dating
The following is a series of questions and answers to the most common questions that I hear from other guys. I think they might add a little insight to the mysteries of dating. (I don't claim to be a master of love, but what the hell, the advice is free).
Q. How can I meet women?
A. Go where women are, and talk to them.
Q. Where are women?
A. Women are everywhere that you are, with the possible exception of a locker room, or bathroom.
Q. What if the women don't like me?
A. Forget about them, why would you want a woman who doesn't like you.
Q. What should I say to the women I see?
A. Women could spot a pick up line a mile away: say something to her that you would say to guy (with the exception of maybe asking her to pull your finger).
Q. Should I tell her that I'm rich?
A. No, if you're not, she WILL find out; and if you are, you'll be forced to spend all your money on her. Just tell her of your future plans to make lots of money.
Q. Should I try to get her drunk?
A. No, If she's drunk she will just puke on your shoes and ask you for a ride home. And you will get nothing more than a stain on your shoes.
Q. When should I try to score?
A. It is best to try when you have a woman, without one it is a tough trick, but if you find a way, please let me know.
Q. How come the women I see always have a friend with them.
A. Women always have a default companion so they don't look desperate. (This girl is usually plump and whines "can we leave yet?")
Q. How come women always go to the bathroom in pairs?
A. Because unlike men, women acually take the time to plan strategy.
Q. How come stuff I see in movies never happens to me?
A. Because they're movies! But trust me, if you paid Demi Moore 12.5 million I'm sure she'd strip for you too. Ps.: don't watch adult films; that stuff doesn't happen to anybody! I'm convinced that those things are filmed on other planets that I don't know about.
Q. What's wrong with me?
A. You're sitting at home wondering "What's wrong with me". Concentrate on the positive, and get out there!
Q. How come I can't find the girl I'm looking for?
A. You are looking for too much too soon. If you want a woman to overlook your faults, you are going to have to overlook some of hers.
Q. How come I still can't find the girl I'm looking for?
A. Drink a few more beers and look again.
Q. What if I still can't find the woman I'm looking for?
A. Maybe you're gay.
Q. How would I know if I were gay?
A. If you answer yes to any of the following, you're probably gay.
Q. Is there a perfect woman out there?
A. Yes, but I have her, so look somewhere else.
One basic truth: Men and women are different.
Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second.
This, of course, was so much hooey.
We are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships.
My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women.
RELATIONSHIPS
First of all, a man does not call a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total bitch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.
MATURITY
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
HATS
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
GROCERIES
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.
MAGAZINES
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
COMEDY
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.
GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.
MIRRORS
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams.
LOW BLOWS
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
DIRECTIONS
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks love I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NICKNAMES
With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
TOYS
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
PLANTS
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
MOUSTACHES
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semidorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
CAMERAS
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
LOCKER ROOMS
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
LAUNDRY
Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.
POLITICS
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."
CHEERLEADERS
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.
SOCKS
Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.
GARAGES
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
MOVIES
For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in Public Enemy.
NUDITY IN MOVIES
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
JEWELRY
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
************************************************* From: Chris Witmore **Top Ten Things MEN Should NOT Say OUT LOUD In Victoria's Secret** #10 Does this come in children's sizes? #9 No thanks. Just sniffing... #8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind. #7 Mom will love this! #6 Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable. #5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. #4 Will you model this for me? #3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!! #2 $45 bucks!?!?! You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret: #1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or
how long he will last.
...
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it's never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and an ass to pay for it all.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or
extremely small.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
-------------- Three trendy guys and a lady were sitting at the bar, talking about their lives. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE..... you know ... Young, Urban, Professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK.... you know ... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB.... you know ... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies..... "I'm a WIFE ... you know ... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc..." ----------------- THE COST OF BRAINS In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $2,000. A male brain costs $5000. The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?" The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used." (Go Girls!) ----------------- Top Ten Things Men Know About Women: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have breasts. ----------------- A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" ---------------------- A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?" With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams". ---------------- Sue told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." ---------------- Betty Crocker A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman? Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?" ------------------ WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool." ----------------------- Moral Stories... The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they hatch." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm & her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun & a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break & then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke & then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." ---------------- THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV? I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to! My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law!!! The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said. "Yes" she responded, "so what?" "I would have gotten out of prison today!" he sobbed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!" -------------- If Men TRULY Ran The World... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6. Garbage would take itself out. 7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". 9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Two words..."Ally McNaked". 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. 15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said"You're #1!". 19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". 21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. 24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. -------------- QUOTES Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. --Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. --Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" --Sean Connery According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --Robert De Niro I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. --Bill Cosby In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? --Hugh Grant We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." --Elayne Boosler When the sun comes up, I have morals again. --Elizabeth Taylor There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfield If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. --George Clooney Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. --Rod Stewart The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. --Jeff Bridges See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. --Robin Williams ------------------- Seven bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. THE RESULTS Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks with umbrella Personality: Flaky, annoying; ditzy, and a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks - no umbrellas Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: If she wants you She'll send YOU a drink. Drink: Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask ) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation. Drink: Lemon Ruski Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, actually has absolutely no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in. Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ...and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. Then there is the male drink analysis.... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut. Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whisky: He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse. Lemon Ruski: He's gay. ------------------- Vive la difference! Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that? Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: ......so that means it was......let's see...... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...... lemme check the odometer.. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: ......and I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Fred," Martha says aloud. "What?" says Fred, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this, " she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have......Oh my gosh......, I feel so (she breaks down, sobbing) "What?" say Fred "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Fred. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says. "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that......it's that I ......I need some time, " Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes upwith one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Fred. "That way about time," says Martha. "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks......) "Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two or three of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?" And that's the difference between men and women. ------------------------- REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:: You can buy a silencer for a handgun. You can trade a .44 for two .22's. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. Handguns function normally every day of the month. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?" A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it. You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems. You can keep a hand gun locked up and you'll both feel better about it. ----------------- A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress." "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television." "And, most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. Betty Crocker A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman? Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?" --------------- --------------- Some of these are actually funny . . . . What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45 lb What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? --45 mins. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute. How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up. How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the remote. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they just sit there in the dark and complain. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -- Marriage What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife. What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever. What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery has a positive side. What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends. How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable" A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? - After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off, you wonder where the breast went. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law ------------- How many women does it take? How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #)#(*(*^*&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.. That's how many. ----------------- "Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!" -------------- A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress." "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television." "And, most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. ----------------- HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: ==================================================== She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: ================================================== He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAINSTORAGE FACILITY. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT. -------------- A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball .......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asked the doctor. Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" --------------- -------------- One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!" ---------------- A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. ------------ Pay day A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. ----------------- The Santa myth... As the festive season draws near, here's some food for thought from an unknown American lady... I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I think Santa Claus is a woman. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off. The vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. There would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: a) Men can't pack a bag. b) Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. c) Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves. d) Men don't answer their mail. e) Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly." f) Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them with high heels, and not much else, on. g) Having to do the Ho, Ho, Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. h) Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a "commitment." I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: a) Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous -- definitely a guy. b) Cupid flies around carrying weapons. c) Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. -------------- From Ann Landers (believe it or not!) A Mystery of Life Solved It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed. The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The lion too, wanted only 10. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion. The came the donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare 10 years, and he got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself. --------------
The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy |
|clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random |---->| more |
| dresser? | |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes|
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Yes | Yes | Yes
+---------------------------------------------
|
V
---------------
| Take whatever |
| is on top |
--------------- ------------------------
| | |
V V |
-------- No --------- -----------
| Is |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray |
| it | Not sure | smell |------------>| with |
| clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant |
-------- --------- -----------
| Yes | "Not bad"
+--------------------
|
V
-------------- --------- -------------
|For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Place item on|
|Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | dirty pile; |
| holes? |----------------->| visible?|------------->| start over |
-------------- --------- -------------
| No | No
+---------------------------------
|
V
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on|
|wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? |
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| No | No | Yes
+------------------------------------------------
|
V
-------- Kinda ------- ---------
| Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the|
| it | "Does it what?" | dark |---->|advice of|
| match? |----------------->| out? | | a female|
-------- ------- ---------
| Yes | Yes
+--------------------------
|
V
----------
| Put on |
| clothes! |
----------
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following two sections are not really fair to women, but they sure are funny, especially to the typical male, who never seems to be able to comprehend the other half of humanity. If any knows a similar collection of female humor, please mail it to me and I will give it "equal time."
Jim Blake's insights into dating
The following is a series of questions and answers to the most common questions that I hear from other guys. I think they might add a little insight to the mysteries of dating. (I don't claim to be a master of love, but what the hell, the advice is free).
Q. How can I meet women?
A. Go where women are, and talk to them.
Q. Where are women?
A. Women are everywhere that you are, with the possible exception of a locker room, or bathroom.
Q. What if the women don't like me?
A. Forget about them, why would you want a woman who doesn't like you.
Q. What should I say to the women I see?
A. Women could spot a pick up line a mile away: say something to her that you would say to guy (with the exception of maybe asking her to pull your finger).
Q. Should I tell her that I'm rich?
A. No, if you're not, she WILL find out; and if you are, you'll be forced to spend all your money on her. Just tell her of your future plans to make lots of money.
Q. Should I try to get her drunk?
A. No, If she's drunk she will just puke on your shoes and ask you for a ride home. And you will get nothing more than a stain on your shoes.
Q. When should I try to score?
A. It is best to try when you have a woman, without one it is a tough trick, but if you find a way, please let me know.
Q. How come the women I see always have a friend with them.
A. Women always have a default companion so they don't look desperate. (This girl is usually plump and whines "can we leave yet?")
Q. How come women always go to the bathroom in pairs?
A. Because unlike men, women acually take the time to plan strategy.
Q. How come stuff I see in movies never happens to me?
A. Because they're movies! But trust me, if you paid Demi Moore 12.5 million I'm sure she'd strip for you too. Ps.: don't watch adult films; that stuff doesn't happen to anybody! I'm convinced that those things are filmed on other planets that I don't know about.
Q. What's wrong with me?
A. You're sitting at home wondering "What's wrong with me". Concentrate on the positive, and get out there!
Q. How come I can't find the girl I'm looking for?
A. You are looking for too much too soon. If you want a woman to overlook your faults, you are going to have to overlook some of hers.
Q. How come I still can't find the girl I'm looking for?
A. Drink a few more beers and look again.
Q. What if I still can't find the woman I'm looking for?
A. Maybe you're gay.
Q. How would I know if I were gay?
A. If you answer yes to any of the following, you're probably gay.
Q. Is there a perfect woman out there?
A. Yes, but I have her, so look somewhere else.
Wiley's Reasons why Beer is better than Women
Murphy's Laws on SEX
- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
- Nothing improves with age.
- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
- Sex has no calories.
- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
- No sex with anyone in the same office.
- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
- A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- Virginity can be cured.
- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
- It is always the wrong time of month.
- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
- The younger the better.
- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
- Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
- Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
- Love is a hole in the heart.
- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
- Do it only with the best.
- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- Never say no.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
- A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
- Love comes in spurts.
- The world does not revolve on an axis.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
- Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
- Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- "This won't hurt, I promise."
RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf. 10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like por- table heaters that snore. 13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Some- times they leave skid marks. 25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 27. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. ---======------------------- AJ's facts about women. 1. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. 2. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand". 3. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 4. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. 5. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. 6. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. 7. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what they're doing. It might be the lottery calling. 8. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch. 9. Women think all beer is the same. 10. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. 11. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. 12. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be. 13. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. 14. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?" 15. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 16. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. 17. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 18. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' 19. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. 20a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it. 20b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it. 21. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?" 22. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. 23. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
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