Old age jokes

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well so why are you crying?"

She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 am."

I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

*********************************************** You Know You're Getting Older When... *********************************************** * Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. * The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. * You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere. * Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. * You get winded playing chess. * Your children begin to look middle aged. * You're still chasing women but can't remember why. * A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. * You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. * You look forward to a dull evening. * You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals. * Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..." * You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones. * You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. * Your knees buckle and your belt won't. * You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation. * After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat. * Dialing long distance wears you out. * You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer. * You just can't stand people who are intolerant. * The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. * You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm. * Your back goes out more often than you do. * A fortune teller offers to read your face. * Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by. * The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife. * You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. * You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. ----------------- Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:~~~~ 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ---------------------- --Subject: Hanging Baskets The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets." --------------------------------- ---------------- Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can have sex with me tonight!" A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!" ----------- CONDOMS Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: "What's that?" Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." Lady 1: "Where did you get it?" Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, Lady 1 hobbles into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: "It doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel." ************************************************************************* --------------------- A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. -------------------- ---------------------- AGE A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years. "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago. Well, Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!" --------------

Subject: HUM: Old Lady Suicide Attempt

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

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Subject: King size

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

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OLD AGE----------------------------------------------------------------------- The '60s vs. the '90s Then: Long Hair Now: Longing for hair. Then: The perfect high. Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund. Then: Keg. Now: EKG. Then: Acid Rock. Now: Acid Reflux. Then: Moving to California because it's cool. Now: Moving to California because it's warm. Then: You're growing pot. Now: Your growing pot. Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Then: Seeds and stems. Now: Roughage. Then: Popping pills, smoking joints. Now: Popping joints. Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel. Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity. Then: Paar. Now: AARP. Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine. Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine. Then: Killer weed. Now: Weed killer. Then: The Grateful Dead. Now: Dr. Kevorkian. Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint. Then: Rolling Stones. Now: Kidney stones. Then: Being called into the principal's office. Now: Calling the principal's office. Then: Screw the system! Now: Upgrade the system. Then: Peace sign. Now: Mercedes logo. Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. Then: Take acid. Now: Take antacid. Then: Passing the driver's test. Now: Passing the vision test. Then: "Whatever" Now: "Depends" ---------------------------------------- We're ALL too young for this but it's good for a giggle today ... a.. Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. b.. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. c.. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. d.. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. e.. If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you. f.. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. g.. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. h.. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. i.. Your eyes won't get much worse. j.. Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient. k.. Things you buy now won't wear out. l.. No one expects you to run into a burning building. m.. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. n.. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. ************************************************************************* GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation. 3) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds. 6) Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away. 7) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. 8) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 9) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. 10) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. 11) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. 12) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 13) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain conciousness. 14) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 15) I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. 16) You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 17) Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to have those odds? 18) Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. 19) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 20) It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for lent, and you don't know until the 4th of July. 21) You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 22) At my age "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. 23) Middle age is having the choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. 24) Laughing helps, it's like jogging on the inside. 25) Middle age is when you choose the cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 26) If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. 27) Inside some of us there is a skinny person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. 28) The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight. Because by then your body and your fat are really, really good friends. 29) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. ---------------------- You know you're getting old when .... You wake up looking like your driver's license picture. You're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. You and your teeth don't sleep together. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop, and you're not eating cereal. Your back goes out but you stay home. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. Happy hour is a nap. You say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. It takes twice as long-to look half as good. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt-doesn't work. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. You sink your teeth into a steak-and they stay there. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. ------------------------ An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" --------------------

An elderly gentlemen went to the doctor for a physical. After examining the man, the doctor said "I think you are alright, but just the same before you leave I would like a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample." The man, who was a little hard of hearing, turned to his wife and said "What did the doctor say?"

His wife quickly replied "He wants your shorts!!!!!" ---------------------- Elderly An eighty-year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better" he replies, "and I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I have another patient who's an avid hunter, he never misses a season. But one time he's in a bit of a hurry, and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. He's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM, the beaver drops dead in front of him!" "That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "My point, exactly." ---------------- Old Lady An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years." The old lady says "Well tell me about them." The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for." She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one." He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years." The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one." The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw." The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!" The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache." ---------------------- Subject: Exercise...!!!!! It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my vodka tonic. ------------------

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