Ordinary jokes

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!
He's back in his government office.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"

A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" On the back of a motorbiker's jacket. "IF YOU CAN SEE THIS MY GIRLFRIEND FELL OFF!" John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing, and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said, immediately, and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough." ----------------- Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle woman. She will never go for this kind of carrying on." So, he made the supreme sacrafice and gave up beans. They were married shortly thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called him wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the aroma of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he would work off any ill effects before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of the best baked beans he'd had in years. All the way home, he putt-putted, and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putted his last. His dear wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the dining room table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned, and then went to answer the telephone. He seized the opportunity, lifted his weight to one leg, and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just returned to normal when another urge came on him so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner!!!! While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes, until he knew the phone farewells indicated an end to his lonliness, and freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and smiling contentedly to himself, was the picture of innocence when his wife returned apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise. Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a "Happy Birthday" party for him. The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant. "Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am." "Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight." ----------- The Aussie GST, in Plain English By now, of course, you've read all those GST information leaflets we've been sending out, and you have a complete understanding of how it's all going to work. ...You don't? Well never mind... The new system is NUTS - the New Universal Taxation System - and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand. Basically, it is STUFFT -- the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions. Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity - an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels. Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO) Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month. Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD out. Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a SUCKER (Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefits, in which case they are classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee). All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will be required to complete a DAFT (Direct Application For Taxation) form. The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON (Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator) who determines the amount of CRAP (Credited Refund Allowance Payment) the taxpayer will receive. Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the Government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation) or IDIOTIC (Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit). If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS. You will need to apply for the new allowance provided jointly by both State and Federal Governments, JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit). Any RATBAG who does not apply for a JOB can get STUFFT. From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to submit a fortnightly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods Estimate (GARBAGE) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month. All small businesses must be registered as Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST) by June 30th, and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular full-time basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK) on or before July 1. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST. In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that, by the end of the next financial year, all business will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS. ----------- The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!" -- A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." -- It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though." -- Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!". Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!" Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" -- Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." -- O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight." -- The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing: Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!" The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?" Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop." -- I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English." Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!" ------------- Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread. "I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do." "Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread." "You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all." When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying." "What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?" "Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter." -------------- The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and proper Washington hostess. "In my country," he said, "the most popular of all activities is making love." Shocked, the wide-eyed hostess said, "Oh! Isn't that revolting!" "No," the diplomat said. "That's our second-favorite activity." ----------------- Cats and toast, the theory expounded....... An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner: (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system. ........and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients: I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/tc where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.. --------------- ================================================================== Diet Rules for Cheaters 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. 7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles. ------------------------------------------------------------ We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are advantages to living in a mobile home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department half way. ------------------------------------------------------------- THE HAIRCUT A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!" A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down, he spoke a few words to me." "What'd he say?" "He said, 'Where'd you get the terrible haircut?'" ----------------- The Week After Christmas 'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a Number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished "Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! _________________________________________ A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other." _ -------------------- I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part. -------------- What job ads *really* mean: "Competitive Salary" We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition. "Join our fast-paced company" We have no time to train you. "Casual work atmosphere" We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "Some overtime required" Some every night and some every weekend. "Duties will vary" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "Must have an eye for detail" We have no quality assurance. "Career-minded" Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "Apply in person" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled. "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience" You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit. "Problem-solving skills a must" You're walking into perpetual chaos. "Requires team leadership skills" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "Good communication skills" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. - You Know You're In Trouble When ... ... Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich. ... Your suggestion box starts ticking. ... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3. ... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had. ... The simple instructions enclosed aren't. ... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary. ... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together. ... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. ------------------- A New York businessman boarded a train in Albany on his way to Buffalo. As it was a night train, he took a sleeper car and gave the porter strict instructions to waken him and put him off in Buffalo. "I'm a very heavy sleeper," the passenger said, "and I may give you a hard time. But whatever you do, make sure to put me off in Buffalo... even if you have to put me off in my pajamas." The next morning, the man woke up to find himself in Cleveland. He located the porter and chewed him out with some very abusive language. After the man left, a bystander asked the porter how he could stand there and take that verbal abuse. "That weren't nothin'," the porter replied. "You should've heard the guy I put off in Buffalo." -------------- The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume. "This one is called 'Perhaps'," the sales clerk said. It's $285 per ounce. "Listen," the fellow shot back. "For $285 per ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called 'You Can Bet Your Sweet Bippy on It'!" -------------------- A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy. For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left. "That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of the bikers. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles." ------------------ --------------------- By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." ------------------ This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over. The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?" The guy says, "I'm late for work." "What do you do?" The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?" The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide." The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?" "Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge.." ______________________________________________________ ================================================================== There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" ------------------ A police officer thought he had a perfect location to watch for speeders until one day everyone was well under the speed limit. Curious, he investigated and it didn't take long to find the cause. A 10 year old boy was standing by the roadside with a huge hand-painted sign reading "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." His accomplice, about 100 yards beyond the trap, also had a sign which read "TIPS" and a large bucket filled with change. ---------------- Oil Shortage There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer...nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, and Alaska. And all the dipsticks are in Wshington, DC. ---------------- Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother, which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom ------------------- THE MEANING OF WORDS --------------------------------------------------------- The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too. "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong. "ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it. "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess. "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either. "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit. ----------------------------- Top 45 Oxymorons: 45. Act naturally 44. Found missing 43. Resident alien 42. Advanced BASIC 41. Genuine imitation 40. Airline Food 39. Good grief 38. Same difference 37. Almost exactly 36. Government organization 35. Sanitary landfill 34. Alone together 33. Legally drunk 32. Silent scream 31. Living dead 30. Small crowd 29. Business ethics 28. Soft rock 27. Butt Head 26. Military Intelligence 25. Software documentation 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. "Now, then ..." 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Political science 8. Tight slacks 7. Definite maybe 6. Pretty ugly 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake 4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works --------------------- Great lines from job evaluations: 1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there. 5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better. 10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching. 12. A room temperature IQ. 13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together. 14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 16. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 17. Bright as Alaska in December. 18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. 19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 20. Fell out of the family tree. 21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it. 23. He's so dense, light bends around him. 24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. 32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. ------------------- ------------------ THE PROBLEMS OF ENGLISH Here are some samples: 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to = present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. ------------------ ------------------ The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. -------------------------------- The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. ----------------- Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need his shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else! ------------

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