Religion jokes

Wrong side of the bed.

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest was very confused at this and goes on.

He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop.

He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want."

The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"

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A nun joke

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

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Subject: Smile

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.

The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day. ------------------------------------
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!" ---------------- A religious experience A minister, a priest and a rabbi were golfing one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake on the 14th hole. Since it was fairly secluded and not many golfers were on the course, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to walk over to the rough to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing the fairway, who should come along but a group of ladies from town getting ready to tee off. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had teed off and moved on, the men got their clothes back on. The minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize." Pearly Gates Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota." --------------------- A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" --------------- ========================================== Tommy Shaughnessy went into the confessional box and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes Father, it is." "Who was this woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Who was this woman you were with -- tell me?" "Please, I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?" "No." "Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?" "No." "Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?" "No." "Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?" "No." "Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?" "No, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew." Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?" "Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads." ------------- -------------------- Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins are coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his knees barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

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Subject: The pearly gates

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks, "why is that?"

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan." --------------

Heavenly Poker

On a single day both Dolly Parton and Princess Di pass away. As they reach the gates of heaven, they can see St. Peter standing out front waiting for them, shaking his head. As they approach, St. Peter tells them, "Ladies, I'm sorry, but there just isn't room for both of you in heaven right now, so I will only be able to take one of you. Seeing as you have both lived good lives and seem equally fit to enter the kingdom, you will have to tell me something that's special about you."

Dolly Parton comes forward, pushing her breasts up with her hands. "Well," she says, "I've got THESE..."

St. Peter looks at her and says, "Yes, those are very good. Very good indeed. But let's see what Princess Di has to offer."

Princess Di just stands there, "I don't think there's anything special about me. I mean, I was next in line to become the queen of England..." St. Peter shakes his head, "That's just not going to do it. Isn't there anything else?"

Di thinks for a minute and answers, "Well....I douche once a week...."

St. Peter's eyes light up, "Princess Di...Go right on in..."

Dolly Parton looks at St. Peter, pushes her breasts forward and says, "But what about THESE?"

And he says, "It's beyond my control. Everybody knows that a Royal Flush beats a Pair any day!" Subject: 2 Nuns Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster. SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me. SM: So, what happened? Please tell us. SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. SM: And what else? SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. SM: Oh, no! What did you do then? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. (And you thought it would be dirty! Say two Hail Mary's...) ------------------------------ After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions." "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?" "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the letter said? Scroll down. Scroll down a little bit more. Keep scrolling... Hmm, you didn't get the letter either? -------------------- ------------------ A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.' The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'' St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?' 'Oh, about two minutes ago.' ------------------ A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's and shyly said to the woman at the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable."Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now befuddled again, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and right, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills." ----------------- A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." ---------------- Who is this man One day a man had a car accident, got hurt, and lost his job. Well, some monks felt sorry for him and gave him the job of ringing the church bell every Sunday. One day, as the man wheeled himself up to the rope attached to the bell, he tugged on it and it broke. He didn't want to lose his job so he climbed up three flights of stairs and got to the bell. First he tried to push it, then hit it, but he had no leverage. So he decided to hit it with his head. He started a rhythm and it worked! But after a few rings, he became dizzy and accidentally fell down the tower and died. When the monks arrived they called the police and one policeman stood up and said, "Does anyone know who this man is?" One monk stepped forward and said, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!" His brother then arrived, several years later and applied for the same job. While he was in the bell tower, and by some strange twist of fate, he lost his balance, and also had the misfortune to plummet to his death. Once again the policeman arrived and asked the monk who he was. The monk replied "I'm not sure, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!" ----------------- A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" -------------------- "Catholic Mothers" Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second catholic woman chirps "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."' The third catholic woman says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look. So she says, "My son is 6'3" and has broad square shoulders; he's terribly handsome and dresses very well. He is an Army helicopter pilot and travels the world. Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God....'." ----------------- A Man and a Nun A nun and a man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said: T. G. I. F. The man looked back at her and said: S. H. I. T. The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said: There was no reason to be rude, all I said was Thank God It's Friday The man looked back at her and said: Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, Sorry Honey It's Thursday ------------------ Two Nuns - Two nuns, Sister Mary O'Rourke and Sister Helen McDougle, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on And continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Mary. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Mary as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!" -------------------- Draftsman A Draftsman died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an draftsman; you're in the wrong place." So the draftsman was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the draftsman became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the draftsman was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons. One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this draftsman is going to come up with next." God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an draftsman? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an draftsman on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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